The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Twelve

Act 3 Scene 2

[Enter Horny Harris and Superhunk in VeeJay]

Horny Harris: I’m telling you, this will be my last encounter with this place.

Superhunk: Huh, what do you mean?

Horny Harris: I’m leaving this nightmare after this. Once the UK is free from the terror of the Luncheon, I will return to my home.

Superhunk: But…why?

Horny Harris: Why do I stay here if I don’t have to serve the Luncheon Meat Woman anymore? I can be free! First, I’ll help you people with saving your Mummys, but then I’ll be off.

Superhunk: Ooh look, it’s Mummy Ang!

[Enter Mummy Ang and 004]

Superhunk: Mummy Ang, watch out, there’s a Luncheon about! But never fear, for Superhunk is here!

Mummy Ang: Since when did you get so lyrical, Pip?

Superhunk: Since I’m doing your subject!

004: Do I look invisible to you?

Superhunk: I don’t do yours hahaha.

004: *snorts* You’re an irritating piece of shit! Why are you here? What do you want? (aside to Harris) What are YOU doing with him?

Horny Harris: (aloud) I am no longer a Forrower now. And neither are you all, as far as I know. The Luncheon has found out, and she’s on her way down now to finish you off.

Mummy Ang: Oh dear, what about the rest of the Troopers?

Superhunk: They’re looking for Scouserseet and the Forrow Me products. Mind you, I didn’t want to leave my Duchess behind, but because of you Mummy Ang, and Mummy Ding, here I am!

Horny Harris: Will you stop trying to sound like a tragic hero? That was Boyle-worthy!

Superhunk: Yis, Yis, whatever. Where is Mummy Ding? We need to get out of here before it’s too late!

Mummy Ang: She’s in the T-block.

Superhunk: The tay-block? Let’s go then!

[Enter Luncheon Meat Woman]

Luncheon Meat Woman: Where do you ting you are going? Ha! Layyen and Mummy Ang! I just knew you were evirr!

004: Look who’s talking, evil!

Luncheon Meat Woman: And Harris! Come back to forrow me!

Horny Harris: Not anymore, woman. I’m on the Troopers’ side now. You dismissed me, remember?

Superhunk: Give up, Luncheon, it’s now four against one, and we can always call H, Mummy Ding and 002, even though I hate her perfume.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Are you sure? Is that corright crass? You ting I’m alone? Crass, this is very bad. This is the basics you know?

Horny Harris: It is CLASS, for the last time, and I am not part of it!

Luncheon Meat Woman: You aren’t, Harris, but they are! Introducing the —

There comes a WIIING WIIIIING from the Luncheon’s pocket.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Aah, it’s my chewdren calling from Mars.

She switches off phone.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Where was I, crass? Oh yes, introducing the FORROWERS!

[Enter The Girl, TCB and the Parasites]

Superhunk: Oh my god, you’ve managed to recruit them too?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Do you never notice that they’re the onnie ones who like my lesson?

Superhunk: I’ve noticed that but I just thought they were weird. No wonder they gave me hell for PeeDubbaEw!

The Girl: And now, you all die ah! Ha! Everyone, fight ah!

Luncheon Meat Woman: Shut up! I give the orders!

Horny Harris: Waiting for you people to start is a pain.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Everyone, fight ah!

The forrowers charge at the Troopers. The Girl flexes his biceps at Superhunk.

Superhunk: I also can!

[Enter Mr McKee and Sailormoon]

Sailormoon: Never worry, people! The sun is shining on our side!

Mummy Ang: Yes, but who’s side are you on?

Sailormoon: Uh…. let me think…

Mr McKee: Mummy Ver said we are supposed to be on 004’s side or she will derive us of slip forever, remember?

Sailormoon: Huh, she got say that meh?

Luncheon Meat Woman: YENREE! You are my econks rep, you cannot fight for them!

Sailormoon: Huh, then how? McKee, let’s go to her side then.

[Enter Mummy Ding]

Superhunk: Mummy Ding! If you were a complex number, I’d be your imaginary friend!

Mummy Ding: Mr McKee, you are MY math rep, you cannot fight for them!

Mr McKee: Walau eh, then how? Sailormoon, don’t leave me!

Sailormoon: McKee, don’t leave me!

The Girl: Eh, I’m supposed to be your boyfriend leh!

Mr McKee: Urgh, don’t want lah. You belong with Chiabby. Hurhur.

[Enter Chiabby]

Chiabby: SEX! Ai-yai-yai-yai-yai! What a mess! A final showdown here? I must find H!

[Exit Chiabby]

Luncheon Meat Woman: Keww them! Keww them orh! If you don’t keww them I will keww—-

The WIIING WIIING sounds from her pocket again. Luncheon Meat Woman picks up the phone.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Harroh! If you corr me one more time, I will go back and turn you into Martian Milkshake! Now shut up, I’m busy invading Earth! (to the Forrowers) Don’t just stand there! Kewww them!!!!

TCB: But we forrow you. You don’t order, we don’t move.

Luncheon Meat Woman: ARRRGGGHH, how did I ever end up with such forrowers with luffalable blains? I know! Mummy Ding, give me your power jewels now!

Mummy Ding: No I won’t.

Mummy Ding explodes the jewels before the Luncheon’s eyes.

Luncheon Meat Woman: NOOOOOO!!! It’s orrhhh gone!

[Enter Teacher Teo, The Enthusiastic Teacher and Big Bad John]

The Enthusiastic Teacher: HAHA! This looks bad!

Teacher Teo: If it involves A13, it’s more than bad.

Big Bad John: Shall I tell you the one about the Pole Vaulter?

All but Big Bad John: NOOOOO!

Big Bad John: Ah, MaLing! I was told by A13 that you’re their econs teacher.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Yes, so?

Big Bad John: I was just telling them that you might be the next UN Secretary General.

004: Only if we need diplomacy with the other planets and eternal chaos on Earth.

The Girl: Aiyah talk so much! Fight ah!

He aims a kayak paddle at Harris, but it bounces off his stomach.

Horny Harris: Told you so.

The Girl: Eh, why like that?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Go back to the army to train now!

Superhunk: No, not the army for you. Hey, Girl!

He morphs into a random New Urban Male cashier with big muscles.

Superhunk: Take this!

He punches and The Girl flies far far away, up into the sky.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Remember to say harroh to my chewdren for me!

Big Bad John: All of you are suffering from brain failure. I am returning to my office.

[Exit Big Bad John]

[Enter Chiabby]

Chiabby: Superhunk! H says that the Troopers have found the Forrow Me products!

Luncheon Meat Woman: What? ScouserSeet is not protecting them?

Superhunk: Good, tell them to destroy them and come back down here! We need their help. We’ve got seven parasites, a crazy bitch and a Luncheon against Harris, 004, the two mummys, two Teos and me.

Teacher Teo: Uh, no no no no, count me out. I’ve enough of A13.

[Exit Teacher Teo]

The Enthusiastic Teacher: HA! Pretend I didn’t see anything either!

[Exit The Enthusiastic Teacher]

Superhunk: So much for enthusiasm! Now it’s just five of us then!

Chiabby: (to McKee and Sailormoon) Eh, what are you all doing there?

Sailormoon: I’m still deciding which side to be on……

Mummy Ang: Sailormoon, come to our side and I will forget that you never handed up a single assignment to me.

Sailormoon: OK!

Mr McKee: Okay then I join you all too, hurhur.

Chiabby: YES! I will go tell them now.

Superhunk: Oh yes, and why isn’t 002 here when we need help? See I told you she was bad!

Chiabby: She’s busy writing all our PQs now and she tells us not to disturb her.

Superhunk: Oh, really? Then tell her how pretty she is, from the Superhunk!

[Exit Chiabby]

Horny Harris: This is it, Luncheon. Once the Troopers are back and your products destroyed, you shall be nothing.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Fine, Harris! We will wait for them to come back! And then, it’s —–

WIIIING WIIIIING again. Luncheon picks up the phone irritably.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Stop intelluping me!

Superhunk: Now you know how it feels to be a student in your class.

Voice of the Girl: Eh, Mrs MaLing, I’m with your kids now! I see the resemblence!

Luncheon Meat Woman: You corr me just to tiao me this?

The Girl: Orh, no lah, I wanted to ask, how do I stop floating ah? Cannot march like that leh.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Ask Karen to help you, I am busy!

She throws the phone against the wall and it smashes to bits.

Horny Harris: You were saying?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Oh yes. When they get back, we will have a final showdown!

Horny Harris: Oooh. And I’m scared.

Luncheon Meat Woman: (not sensing sarcasm, again) Of course! Because I will keww orrh of you off!

[Exuent all]

The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Eleven

Act 3 Scene 1

[Enter The Luncheon Meat Woman and Horny Harris]

Luncheon Meat Woman: This is Anfailed! Ah! What a great prace for stocking up my Forrow Me supprise! Harris, what do you think?

Horny Harris: Since when did you really care at all what I think?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Just answer my queschion, Harris, do you have no appreesh-shia-shen for my high regard of your opinion?

Horny Harris: It’s a wonderful place for storing such evil.

Luncheon Meat Woman: What kind of answer is that, can’t you ting for yourself instead of just tiaoling me what I already know?

Horny Harris: You hold my opinion at such high regard indeed, Your Luncheoness.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Of course. How-rever Harris, I have begun to see that I will need more capable forrows to help tackerr my plobrem of keeping this Forrow Me things safe.

Horny Harris: (delightedly) You’re dismissing me?

Luncheon Meat Woman: What kind of lings are you drawing on your own Harris? SEEEEEEEEEET!

[Enter ScouserSeet]

Horny Harris: Now we’re thrusting our frozen hands into the fire! What’s he doing here?

ScouserSeet: I have come to protect my beloved Anfailed and all of Her Luncheonness’s Forrow Me products! Don’t tell my wife, but I have a love affair with Bruno, I mean, Torres.

Horny Harris: I didn’t know you went for Ladyboys. I guess, your Luncheonness, that you have no further use for me? How about banishing me to Ancona?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Banished Anaconda?

ScouserSeet: Go Harris, no one has any use for you here!

Luncheon Meat Woman: Yes, that’s right, go Harris, no one has any use for you here?

Horny Harris: Can’t you think for yourself instead of telling me things that I already know?

Luncheon Meat Woman: I’m revising with you! If you don’t know anything you must seek help early, you know, crass!

Horny Harris: Thank you for revising the dismissal then. I’m off now!

[Exit Horny Harris]

Luncheon Meat Woman: Good riddance. Come, Seet, tiao me abbow what has happened between TCB, The Girl and Mummy Ang and Layyen.

ScouserSeet: They have this night digged up a mandrake, your Luncheonness.

Luncheon Meat Woman: What do you mean? Can you sumwise, exprain and paraphrase that for me?

ScouserSeet: TCB and The Girl did find out and confirm that Mummy Ang and Layyen are indeed agents double crossing us for H and –

Luncheon Meat Woman: Whaaaaat??!! I shall keww them and turn them into luncheon meat!

ScouserSeet: Wait wait wait. You wanted me to exprain so exprain I shall. TCB spotted Layyen talking to H in the HOD room the other day.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Tawking abbow what?

ScouserSeet: TCB said she forgot.

Luncheon Meat Woman: WHAT? Then it could be abbow anyting! After orr, Layyen is a history teacher under H! Tell TCB to smack herself with her frisbee. What about The Girl and Mummy Ang?

ScouserSeet: The Girl clomps her feet so loudly that even Beethoven in his grave, never mind Mummy Ang, can hear her coming from a reservoir away.

Luncheon Meat Woman: So how did she confirm that Mummy Ang was a Trooper and not a Forrower?

ScouserSeet: Because she says Mummy Ang scored her one mark less than the Duchess for the previous assessment.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Fine.

ScouserSeet: Although, your Luncheonness, it might have something to do with The Girl not having a lot of brains to begin with and –

Luncheon Meat Woman: Keep quiet, Seet! I say they are not Forrowers means they are not Forrowers! I ting I just fired my most faithful servant. I am regleting now.

ScouserSeet: Harris?

Luncheon Meat Woman: He is the trophy of all man!

ScouserSeet: Yes he was. Oh my god, look!

[Enter The Supertroopers]

001: Hi Mrs Ma Ling! Being hypocritical again?

The Duchess: Don’t worry, we won’t tell on you. You’re only embodying the spirit of Victoria.

001.5: And now getting this mad Scouse scum involved too.

Superhunk: What have you done to my Mummy Ang?

001.25: We’re going to shop — I mean, STOP you!

Luncheon Meat Woman: How did you orrh find us here?! (aside to ScouserSeet) Get ready to launch Bluno.

001: Horniness, Madam, is a great man’s madness.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Who told you?!

001: (exasperatedly) Didn’t I give you a big clue?

Two hours later…

Luncheon Meat Woman: I KNOW! It’s KAREN!

The Troopers and ScouserSeet: Who?

Luncheon Meat Woman: My new housekeeper from Burma.

The Duchess: Never mind. Anyway, Luncheon, it’s over. We’re here to collect te Forrow Me products and you will be destroyed along with it.

ScouserSeet: NOT SO FAST!

From the dressing room of Anfailed comes a Bruno-looking creature. He kicks a ball at 001, who starts flailing his arms wildly. The ball smacks his face.

001: Oh no! Ouch! What do I do? I play soccer as well as the TJ soccer girls!

001.5: Ummm, you have optic beams?

001: Oh yes! Snorts. You’re right twin. Hey tranny!

TrannyTorres: Eh?

001 whips up his DSLR and pretends to be a paparazzi.

001: Photo and autograph here now! Come on, let’s take a nice shot of you.

TrannyTorres poses. 001 fires the optic beam through the camera as he clicks the button. TrannyTorres blasts into nothingness.

ScouserSeet: Fernando, my love!

He runs away into the dressing room to mourn.

001.5: Thank you twin, job well done. Now let’s see where she’s hidden all the Forrow Me stuff.

Luncheon Meat Woman: NOT SO FAST! Hahahahahahaha. Do you ting you have outwitted me?

001.25: Please enlighten me, what wits did you have in the first place?

Luncheon Meat Woman: I’m not talking to you! Superhunk, Superhunk, Superhunk, don cha wish your girrflen was hot like me!

Superhunk: EEEEWWWW NOOOO!!

The Duchess: Finally, Pip is disgusted instead of disgusting!

Luncheon Meat Woman: If you don’t forrow me, Superhunk, your Mummy Ang will get hurt!

Superhunk: NO!

Luncheon Meat Woman: I shall tereport back to VeeJay and take BOTH Mummy Ang and Mummy Ding hostage!

Superhunk: What’s Mummy Ding got to do with this?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Cos I need more super powers to tackerr you!

Superhunk: So what’s the ‘ling’?

Luncheon Meat Woman: You answer me, crass, what does Mummy Ding do?

Superhunk: Teach math.

Luncheon Meat Woman: ON FACEBOOK!

Superhunk: Ooooh. Dejeweled!

Luncheon Meat Woman: Precisely. With more power jewels from Mummy Ding, I will be more powerful! Muahahahahahaha.

Troopers: *sweat drops*

Superhunk: I forbid you from going anywhere near her!

Luncheon Meat Woman: It’s either the products, or the Mummys. It’s your choice! I will see you!

She teleports.

Superhunk: She’s going for my Mummys!

The Duchess: How about counting on your other Mummy to save them? The bitch one.

Superhunk: No she won’t. She’s a forrower!

001.5: I’m glad you cleared that up.

001.25: But Superhunk has a point. We need to save Mummy Ang and Mummy Ding more than we need to destroy the Forrow Me products! And if we’re not careful, the Luncheon could be after Mummy Ver as well!

001: SO IRRITATING! *snorts* Okay, let’s go stop her!

The Duchess: All of us abandon mission here and go back?

Superhunk: I can do it alone! I can stop her alone!

[Enter Horny Harris]

Horny Harris: No you can’t.

The Troopers: Harris!

Horny Harris: Pip, you and ol’ Pumblechook shall go together. That means me. And I’ll test you your sums along the way too.

Superhunk: Yes un-cle Pum-ble-chook!

Horny Harris: The other four of you. I regret to tell you that all this time you were arguing with the Luncheon, ScouserSeet has transported the Forrow Me supplies out of Anfailed.

001: Whaaat? So we have to find it all over again?

Horny Harris: Get H to track ScouserSeet down using her satellites. Then you go stop him. Pip and I shall get the next flight back, and hope we aren’t too late.

001.5: Can I destroy Anfailed anyway?

Horny Harris: Go ahead.

001.5 telekinetically takes Anfailed apart, until it is nothing but a dump. But it was in the first place anyway. (Hooray)

The Duchess: I really can’t believe I’m listening to you, but okay.

Horny Harris: Your highness, you render me sweet music!

The Duchess: Eww, flatterers. Beware that I don’t set Chiabby on you with his madman’s song.

001.5: Something tells me he’s more afraid of the parasites than Chiabby.

The Duchess: True.

Horny Harris: We have to go, Pip, time is running out.

[Exeunt Harris and Superhunk]

001: Have fun! Okay, Troopers, now to go in search of ScouserSeet and the Forrow Me products.

001.5: Any chance it’ll be at Stamford Bridge in London?

001: Wishful thinking, twin, it’s not every day you get to bomb Anfailed, don’t get greedy.

(001.25 and The Duchess: Toto, will you please stop including football in the dialogue, we really don’t forrow you if you do.)

001: Time to go, Troopers, just as well, my twin seems to have run out of any further inspiration to continue this scene anyway.

[Exuent all]

The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Ten

(This shall be my first full-fledged attempt at crafting a part of the Chronicles. Let’s hope that all manages to go well.)

Act 2 Scene 5

[Enter the Troopers]

001: Alright, it’s time to get serious my dears. We shall need to contact H with immediate urgency.

[Enter Chiabby hologram, from the in-room entertainment system]

Chiabby: Yes!!!

The Troopers are caught by surprise.

001.5: What’s wrong with you? Couldn’t you at least give us a warning before you appear?

001: I fully agree with my twin! What if I thought it was a Luncheon attack and I blasted you to smithereens?

The Duchess: Don’t we all secretly wish for that to happen?

001.25: HAHAHAHA!

Chiabby: Hmmph! Whatever did I do to deserve this shit?!?

001.5: Ever since the day you came into existence.

001: Now on to serious business, Chiabby. Time is running out and it is imperative for us to inform you of the significant intelligence that we have been offered by Horny Harris.

Chiabby: Wait a minute, do you mean to say that Horny Harris has now realigned his loyalties?

Superhunk: Yes, and my Mummy Ang is in peril!

001.25: Chiabby, you must inform H at once that Luncheon is already wary of 004 and Mummy Ang.

The Duchess: Luncheon has already unleashed the terrors of The Girl and TCB, who are hot on their heels.

001: And as such, making it exigent to ensure the safety of 004 and Mummy Ang. We now proceed with an update of our current situation. We are still in the midst of finding the actual location of Luncheon’s sinister Forrow Me. Our search will probably be impeded by the following factors: the vast geographical boundaries of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland; the symbolic lack of information on how the Forrow Me products look like; the presence of a multitude of distractions in this colourful country; and most importantly, the presence of Luncheon and her intransigent army of Forrowers, who happens to be in this part of the world right now as well.

001.25: 001, you remind me of one of the half-written National Unity essays that’s languishing on my desk back home.

001.5: And have you managed to get all that into that minute brain of yours, Chiabby?

Chiabby: Yes! Are you not impressed with the feat of mine?

All: NO!!!

Chiabby: Arghh! Tell me again! What did I do to deserve this shit?

All: Everything.

Chiabby (in a pretentious whine): I shall let H directly correspond to you while I go off to a corner and nurse the broken heart of mine.

[Exit Chiabby]

[Enter H hologram, from the in-room entertainment system]

001 jumps at the in-room entertainment system, attempting to hug the hologram.

001: Miss GOH!!!

H: Yes, I know that you miss me a lot, I miss you and our little bitching/gossiping sessions too. (Aside to 001.25 and 001.5) And I want to see the two of you in my HOD Office first thing in the morning when you finish this mission. You have no idea how terrible your CT2 results have been.

001.25 & 001.5: Actually we do.

The Duchess: H, now that Horny Harris has defected over, what would my role in this mission be? Also, given the trying circumstances that we are affronted with, how are we going to be able to carry out this mission smoothly without hiccups?

H: Yes, Your Royal Highness, I was just about to address those concerns. Now Troopers, following the call that Horny Harris had received from Luncheon, we have managed to track down the origin of the call and limited the area to be somewhere in North-Western England.

001: Hmm, that will mean that Luncheon and her deleterious supplies of Forrow Me would most probably be lurking about North-Western England as well.

H: Exactly. We have managed to pulled a satellite out of orbit, which is now focused upon the distinct Luncheon signature which 004 had managed to implant through the tainted Toblerones.

001.25: Horrors! The Luncheon has consumed a product of my beloved Switzerland!

001.5: Excuse me, there’s nothing fantastic nor lovable about Switzerland at all. New Zealand has to be so much better.

Superhunk: H, how is it that we have the finances to actually have a satellite dedicated to tracking Luncheon when we are not even able to build a proper gym within the school premises? The development of my chest muscles have been compromised! See, my right and left chests are disproportionate in size. Do you want to touch them, H?

All except Superhunk: Eww!

The Duchess: I thought we have already been operating independently of VeeJay, why would we want to be associated with them? If CPM knows of us, he would only want to tap into our operations in order to raise more funds to pay for his expenses at Jumbo Seafood Restaurant.

001 & 001.5 (speaking and clapping in unison): The twins can do nothing but applaud in admiration of the wonderful and straight-to-the-point statement made by Your Royal Highness.

H: While that definitely is the ugly side of the truth, the true truth is that this operation has now been brought to the attention of the CIA and they suspect Luncheon for also being involved in possible firearms deals and illegal money-laundering activities. As such, the CIA will now be financing this covert operation and also provide all sophisticated equipment necessary to result in the successful apprehension of Luncheon.

001: So where exactly is Luncheon?

Back at the headquarters, H calls up a map on her screen.

H: From what I see, she is now within the compounds of Anfield. Oh dear, another identity has been registered by the satellite, ScouserSeet. How is this possible?

001.25: The PE department must be in cahoots with Luncheon. That will explain everything, from the involvement of The Girl and TCB, to even how Superhunk had accidently ran into Terror Tan during the pursuit back at the Treehouse. Luncheon must have had shared those tainted Toblerones with them.

001.5: That will explain those detestable slides that have been flashing on the plasma screens around VeeJay, glorifying the disgusting Liverpool.

The Duchess: That will explain why Paul Tan has been trying so hard at getting me into trouble.

Superhunk: You mean even Miss Tan is on the other side? Oh no oh no.

001: That definitely provides a plausible explanation for the situation. H, the plot thickens, and what do you reckon we should do?

H: Troopers, you shall proceed immediately to Anfield upon receiving the gadgets that have been issued to you. I will be investigating into the extent that the PE department is involved with the plans of Luncheon and update you through the iPhones that each of you have been given. Upon your next correspondence with Horny Harris, do bear in mind to inform me as well, as I would like to question Horny Harris regarding a few matters. Troopers, be careful when you approach Luncheon and use your powers if need be. Meeting adjourned.

[Exit H]

001: Well my dears, we had better brace ourselves for what lies ahead of us, I am sure -

At this moment, someone knocks on the door, and something heavy can be heard being placed on the floor.

001: Oh dear, who is it this time? This hotel is so not private!

001.5: Is it me, or do I hear someone playing “My Happy Ending” by Avril Lavigne?

The Duchess: Why not let us just go open the door together? Just in case anything happens, at least we can protect each other.

Superhunk: Never fear, Your Royal Highness, I, Superhunk, with my muscles, will protect you at all costs.

001.25: And what if the person outside happens to be The Girl? I’m sure your biceps, despite all that gymming, will not be able to stand a chance against those rippling arms of hers.

001: Everyone, be ready to attack if need be. Twin, freeze the person if you have to; Your Royal Highness, strike him with lightning if necessary; Superhunk, morph into a replica of him to confuse the person; 001.25, render us all intangible if he chooses to attack us and I will blast him into nothingness.

The Troopers open the door, only to find a gleaming white box before them. They look down the corridor to search for the person who had left the box there, only to see a person cloaked in black dashing off. Just before the Troopers can give chase, they are blinded by a burst of white light that seemed to be emanated from the person’s body. When they look again, the person is nowhere to be seen, with only a shimmering and sparkling trail left in the wake of that mysterious person.

[Exuent all]

I’

ll say it here then. HIDEOUS!!! Haha, yeh, I miss you girls too. MUN outing!!! YY

The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Nine

(I guess I’m not gonna make it really funny here cos I’ve kinda lost my sense of humour mugging for CTs.)

Act 2 Scene 4

[Enter The Troopers]

001: We are here! Wow, what a hotel! And look, Twin! There’s Old Trafford!

001.5: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!

The Duchess: For the the first time in our lives, Toto, you are sounding more bimbotic than –

001.25: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! TOPMAN!!!!!! Oh the perks of being a secret agent! Where is the platinium H card, I’m gonna shop this place down before tonight is over!

The Duchess: –him.

Superhunk: Can’t believe we’re actually here! In the middle of a school term too! Do you think Miss Ding will miss us? Or Mummy Ang, do you think she’ll miss me?

The Duchess: She’s probably having a lot on her hands now to even think about you, Pip.

001: That’s so true. Anyway, my darlings, we have a very important mission now, remember? Get up to my room once you’ve all checked in and settled in, I really need to have a very important briefing with all of you!

Superhunk: Okay, but can I check out the gym first?

001: No you may not! Check in now!

They approach the hotel reception.

Receptionist: Hi, how may I help you?

001: (in fake British accent) Uh yezzz, we hahve a reservation for fiiiive rooms, under the name Haaach.

Receptionist: Just one moment please, sir.

001: Shor.

001.5: Twin, you can drop the accent you know. They’ll never fall for it. Pretend you’re from somewhere else, like, Vietnam or something instead.

001: (in fake Irish accent) Is this betther?

001.25: Now you sound like you’ve just popped out of Juno.

Receptionist: Right, sir, your names are Mr Chris Miao, Miss Toto Chan, Her Royal Highness The Duchess, Mr Pip and Mr Arraland Poh?

001.25: MY NAME IS NOT ARRALAND POH!

001: This world’s in a state of chassis I tell ya, 001.25!

001.25: I don’t care! Change it to Mr Gucci Poh. NOW!

001: (in fake British accent): Don’t mind my dear friend, Miss. His name IS Arraland. Yes, that would be us.

Receptionist: But of course. I need you to sign here and these are your room card keys.

001: Thank you miss.

Superhunk: (aside) Eh she very pretty leh!

The Duchess: Stop checking girls out and let’s go.

001: Don’t forget to meet me at my room, darlings!

They exit to separate rooms, then return later to 001’s.

001.5: This is not fair, why is your room so big?

Superhunk: Ya lor, it’s bigger than mine you know!

001: Privilege of being the boss’s best buddy! Now sit down all of you, while I conduct my briefing. Where is 001.25? Why is he late?

The Duchess: Again.

001: So immensely irritating. One more time he appears late, I am going to take away his credit card and mess up his hair!

001.5: Shall we just start without him?

001: Fine. Okay, as you know, there is no point in going for a mission without an intricate, well thought of proposition which would give us the most precise strategem to bamboozle the Luncheon Meat Woman and hinder her plans!

The Duchess: Will you quit speaking like Amos Toh?

001: Hmph. Snorts. Fine then. We need a plan.

The Duchess: See, couldn’t you have just said that?

001: I am THE Chris Miao, such extravagant verbosity constitutes an inexorableness of my own disposition.

[Enter 001.25 with Topman shopping bags]

001: Finally, there you are!

001.25: Oh I’m so sorry, I got a little carried away.

The Duchess: A little? You just maxed out our platinium cards, haven’t you?

001.25: Of course not! We have unlimited spending what!

001.5: Which just means that the aircon in T13 is never going to be fixed because all the cash has been used on this.

Superhunk: No more megagym in school?!

001.25: I just saw one next door, you could just check –

001: ENOUGH! Aiyoh! Can we get started on our plans please?

001.25: Oops, sorry. Hehheh.

001: Now, okay, here it is. H has told us through Chiabby that the Luncheon has sent out lots and lots of surplus Forrow Me poison right? We’re going to have to destroy their supply before anyone can get to using it. We can’t have the world overrun by Forrowers! That would be absolutely awful!

Superhunk: Not to mention everyone would look as ugly as her.

001: Precisely. So my brilliant plan goes like this. We’re going to split up to find the warehouse that she’s sending the stuff to!

001.5: Are you crazy? Just how big is the UK and Ireland? It could be anywhere!

The Duchess: You don’t expect us to manually search everywhere do you? We don’t even know how the Forrow Me stuff looks like.

001: Aiyah, then what else do you suggest? OH! Twin! Can you find out where the stuff is?

001.5: I’m telekinetic, not a telepath.

001: (frantically) THEN HOW?

There is a knock on the door. 001 jumps in fright.

001.25: Who is it?

Voice: It’s me! Ferdinand!

001.5: You mean like, Rio Ferdinand?

001.25: Or Franz Ferdinand?

Voice: No, I mean Harris Ferdinand!

The Duchess: It’s Horny Harris!

001: What’s he doing here? Oh wait, how did he find us here?

Horny Harris: Look, I don’t mean any harm! I’ve come to give you a warning, but you’ve got to let me in first.

001: I’m not about to let YOU into MY bedroom! Now tell me what it is first.

Horny Harris: I can’t say anything out here! There’s a Luncheon about. It can’t go on screaming from out here, she’ll find out!

Superhunk: WHAAT? Ma Ling’s here too?! Oh no!

001: Okay, I’m gonna let you in, but only if you cooperate! (aside) Twin, get ready to telekinetically freeze him so he can’t do anything to us.

001.5: Got it,

001 opens the door and 001.5 freezes him.

Horny Harris: Hey! What’s the meaning of this? I can’t move!

001: Get him inside, Twin, but don’t let him go just yet. I want to question him. And you’d better be honest, Harris, or the Duchess will strike you with lightning!

001 closes the door.

Superhunk: Now I know why your room’s so big. It needs to fit Harris in it.

001: And your left breast. Now Harris, what do you need to say?

Horny Harris: Well I have to warn you all. The Luncheon is here, she’s around this hotel now, and she’s trying to get all the Forrow Me products into the UK. She doesn’t know you all are here too, but I realised after seeing one of you return from Topman across the road and into this room.

001.25: GASP.

001: See lah you. We’re supposed to be working undercover and now you’ve blown it!

Horny Harris: So now you’ve got to listen to me, or you know I’m gonna tell her.

001: (furiously) Is that a threat? Is that blackmail?

Horny Harris: Call it whatever you like, you’re dead if you don’t accept my help. Now let me go first. I hate speaking like a robot here.

001.5 lets him go.

Horny Harris: Good. Anyway, it’s like this. I am sick of working for the Luncheon Meat Woman. More sick than I am of seeing the lot of you. I’ve decided to switch.

001.25: Yeah sure, like we believe you.

001: You just want to get back at the Duchess, don’t you? And feed on all of our information so you can report back to the Luncheon!

Horny Harris: Oh come on, I’m no parasite! I’m just saying, I’m so sick of the Luncheon ordering me around to destroy you, that I’m going to stab her in the back just to get back at her ill treatment of me.

The Duchess: And forget OUR own long, bitter history of feuds.

Horny Harris: At least you are articulate, you see, Your Highness.

The Duchess: Fair enough.

Horny Harris: I have much needed information for you people to thwart the Luncheon’s plan, not to mention I can still get more from her, since I’m her personal assistant now. You could work well with a double agent in your team.

Superhunk: But haven’t we got 004 and Mummy Ang for that?

001, 001.25, 001.5, The Duchess: PIP!

Horny Harris: What’s this? Mummy Ang and Layyen are working under H too?

Superhunk: Oops.

Horny Harris: Well, that would explain your efficiency at obtaining information. And that would also mean the Luncheon is correct.

001: What are you talking about?

Horny Harris: She suspects the both of them of double agent duties. She’s now got the deadly combination of The Girl and TCB after them.

Superhunk: MY MUMMY ANG’S IN TROUBLE? NOOO!!!

Horny Harris: You must inform your boss at once, so that they are on a look out. Otherwise, they might get caught.

Superhunk: Oh no oh no!

001: Easy, Pip, nothing’s going to happen to them once H has gotten it all under control. We’ve got a more pressing issue now. What about the Luncheon and the Forrow Me products?

Horny Harris’s phone rings.

Horny Harris: It’s her!

001: Don’t you dare reveal anything about where you are! Or better yet, put it on speaker mode so we can all hear!

Harris answers the phone on speaker mode.

Voice of LMW: HARRIS! Finally I managed to corr you! You know I spent the last two hours trying to find out how to dial using this phone? Why can’t all these machines be as easy as econs? Where are your whereabbows?

001: (aside) Don’t you dare tell her!

Horny Harris: I’m out shopping, your Luncheonness.

Voice of LMW: Shoppring? Ah no wonder! Stop shoppring and come back! I cannot go into the shoppring areas remember?

Horny Harris: Yeah, that’s the point, see?

Voice of LMW: Harris don’t try to be funny with me!

Horny Harris: Ha ha ha.

Voice of LMW: If you don’t come back in three minutes I’m going to terriporr there to find you!

Horny Harris: No you can’t! You’ll melt into a pile of Luncheon sludge the moment you get anywhere near the shops.

Voice of LMW: I will keww you when you get back then.

Horny Harris: Then I won’t come back, stupid.

Voice of LMW: What? You had better come back, I tiao you! BACK!

She hangs up the phone.

001: That was pretty entertaining.

Horny Harris: Here’s the thing you see, she can’t do without me. How else can she corrupt fellow Harrises with Harris himself? They’re not going to listen to ugly freaks like her.

The Duchess: Okay so you want to be on our side?

Horny Harris: If you don’t want it, it’s too bad.

The Duchess: Chris, what do you say?

001: After much thinking –

001.5: You don’t think, Twin.

001: After much staring into space, I have decided to let Harris over into our side, on one condition: You give us your full, unconditional cooperation.

Horny Harris: I’ll get the cooperation of other Harrises, if you like.

001: Perfect. Now we can search all the warehouses like I told you! We’ve got enough numbers for that.

Horny Harris: Well you don’t really need that, I can tell you exactly where she is importing the stuff to.

Superhunk: Brilliant! Then we can hurry with this mission and go back to save Mummy Ang!

001: Oh Mr Harris! I’m starting to love you all over again!

Horny Harris: Please keep you love to yourself. I have to go now. I’ll be back with more plans and information. In the meantime try to work something out. I’m going out to endure the tempest.

The Duchess: Farewell then Harris. I never thought I would say this, but welcome to the team.

[Exuent all]

The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Eight

Act 2 Scene 3

[Enter Horny Harris]

Horny Harris: Why, there’s no one around now. Good. I do need a short break from that Luncheon Meat Woman. I mean, honestly, who knew I would be so unfortunate as to become HER follower? Or forrower, as she says, my God. Did that woman never have English lessons as a kid? In fact, where on Earth does she come from anyway? There is no human being that really looks like that anymore. The only reason why I had to work with her was to get back at the Duchess for walking out of my class, but if that woman thinks she can order me around like she does now, I’ll soon be emulating her highness and leave to refill my water bottle. Oh save me, the freak arrives with her lackey.

[Enter Luncheon Meat Woman and The Girl]

Luncheon Meat Woman: Harris! There you are! I have been working on a perfect scheme to deal with H and the Supertroopers with The Girl, you get what I mean?

Horny Harris: Enlighten me, your Luncheoness.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Well, if you think abbow it, the seetooehshen is like this. After much detective work that my subject teaches me, The Troopers will plobably already know that we are going to Arraland and the UK for a reason.

Horny Harris: You spent the last one hour coming to that conclusion? But of course they know, woman! Students don’t go jetting off to the UK in the middle of the school term for a holiday!

Luncheon Meat Woman: Stop being so rude! GIRL!

The Girl: (cracks knuckles, neck and every other part of her body) Harris ah, one more time and I will smash my kayak paddle on you!

Horny Harris: Like that scares me, it’ll probably bounce off my stomach if you try. (laughs)

Luncheon Meat Woman: Enough! Here, I did tiao you just now that I have the perfect scheme, am I righ?

Horny Harris: …………………

Luncheon Meat Woman: Am I righ, Harris? Hallo, am I tawking to you?

Horny Harris: Get ON with it woman, I can bloody hear you!

Luncheon Meat Woman: Well, now that we have our very clear cut advertisement, I want you to reelis it immedially to the pubric in Europe.

Horny Harris: I can’t just go there and force people to advertise it, you need loads of cash to do that, in case you haven’t noticed.

Luncheon Meat Woman: That is for the layman. As Economics students, you should be —

Horny Harris: I am NOT your bloody economics student, woman!

Luncheon Meat Woman: Yes, fine, but as I am the economics genius, my brilliant plan is to take advantage of price discrimination and print 妈你 to get the advertisements up at a price as low as possible.

Horny Harris: (aside) Based on what kind of price discrimination actually? The uglier the cheaper? (aloud) As an ‘economics genius’, you also ought to know that printing of money is not going to work you know.

Luncheon Meat Woman: If an economics genius says it works, it works.

Horny Harris: You make no sense! Will you stop contradicting yourself?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Wait, wait, stop interrupting me, and let me summarize everything before I come back to this!

Horny Harris: (aside) Did you cause the Great Depression? You certainly look old enough to have lived through that.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Anyway, I am going to give you lots of 妈你 to spend on the advertisements. But ferse, get yourself a warret.

Horny Harris: A what?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Warret! You cannot be putting stacks of printed 妈你 into your pocket like you have been doing, am I righ?

Horny Harris: Oh. Wallet! I see. But who needs one? I’ve got a million plastic bags for that!

Luncheon Meat Woman: (angrily) What if the 妈你 falls out?!

Horny Harris: Well then print some more, Econs genius!

Luncheon Meat Woman: That is irregal! If I ever catsh you doing that I will fire you!

Horny Harris: (aside) I hope the Duchess dumps the contents of her water bottle all over you.

Luncheon Meat Woman: So, before you interrupt my clear cut plan another time, you are to use the 妈你 and bring it to the advertising companies, and they will pubrish the advertisement as soon as possible. Then, while the people in Europe get infruenced, they will become forrowers there and then.

Horny Harris: (exasperatedly) And so? I’m still waiting for the clear-cut, brilliant punchline.

Luncheon Meat Woman: It’s all because of you that we are moving so slowly through this!

Horny Harris: (very exasperatedly) Wha–? Okay, never mind, what? What’s the punchline?

Luncheon Meat Woman: We can keep the newly recruited forrowers in Arraland there, while the rest fry back to VJC to torment the rest of the students.

Horny Harris: (very very exasperatedly) And why would we want to keep them there?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Think abbow it. How else could you rephrase the question?

Horny Harris: (very very very exasperatedly) Why the hell do I want to rephrase the question?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Keeping the Arrish forrowers there means we have people there to get rid of the Troopers while they try to solve this case!

Horny Harris: And you couldn’t have got to that straightaway? You spent 876 words, according to wordpress, to tell me this?

Luncheon Meat Woman: That is because you are not clear abbow this from the start! Do you know what is going on? Why do you sound as if this is forren to you?

Horny Harris: (aside) Because the language you are speaking is.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Girl, can you wake up? Do you need to wash your face?

Horny Harris: Yeah, Bedok Reservoir’s just there, go jump in for a swim.

The Girl: Eh, shuddup can or not, huh?

Horny Harris: Okay, so the bottomline of this oh-so brilliant plan is just to get the Irish people who have become followers to get rid of the Troopers there?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Yes, and it took you so long to get here! You see, crass –

Horny Harris: It’s ‘class’ and I’m NOT part of yours!

Luncheon Meat Woman: I don’t care! You see, when they get rid of the Supertroopers there on my orders, nobody will know we are behind it! And even H cannot accuse me of it! It will look like an assident.

Horny Harris: Do you want me to coright you for that?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Then we can get rid of them once and for orh! *smiles evilly*

The Girl: Ya. Brilliant plan!

Luncheon Meat Woman: Girl, I want you to handle the seetooehshen here.

The Girl: What you want me to do?

Luncheon Meat Woman: You and TCB are to monitor the whereabbows and actions of Mummy Ang and Layyen. I don’t trust them.

Horny Harris: I assure you, they’re as much on your side as I am.

The Girl: No problem ah. I can handle anything.

Horny Harris: Except a fashion sense.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Harris, I want you to forrow me. You will be my personal assistant.

Horny Harris: You mean like your Antonio? (aside) Why me????

Luncheon Meat Woman: Can you speak Engrish, Harris, I don’t understand what you are talking abbow!

Horny Harris: Can I go spy on Mummy Ang and Layyen instead?

Luncheon Meat Woman: Do I make myself clear, Harris, you will forrow me at all times and do what I tiao you to do, do you get me?

Horny Harris: Yes your Luncheoness.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Now go get moving. I will print you the 妈你 now. And then you will reelis the advertisements in the UK and Arraland and order the forrowers there to do their job, is that okay, crass?

Horny Harris: Of course.

Luncheon Meat Woman: And Girl, go do your job.

Horny Harris: But make sure you tell TCB and get her along too. There might just be half a brain between the two of you.

[Exeunt all]

The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Seven

Act 2 Scene 2

[Enter Mummy Ang and 004]

004: The whole lot of them are soo i-rri-tating! How long am I to withstand their stupidity?

Mummy Ang: Hush, my dear, for fear they might be lurking just round the corner.

004: (Smacks forehead)We are in the middle of Orchard Road, walking over to Wheelock Place. As if any of them will ever set foot here, The Girl and TCB are probably having fun together working out in some obscure gym, while Horny Harris is probably having a blast at home.

Mummy Ang: Basically, Orchard Road doesn’t even register in any of their consciousness. Oh look, we are at Borders!

004: And look, there’s H and my secret best friend, oo2!

[Enter H and 002]

002: Oh my god, I should have came here to reference for my SEA National Unity notes. The books here are filled with sentences that are at least half a page long. My favourite!

004: Hey there my darlings! We’ve got so much to report!

002: Wait wait wait! Is this place secretive enough for us to discuss such matters? What if Luncheon Meat Woman is hiding behind a bookshelf? I very scared you know!

H: Don’t worry Ver. It seems that Luncheon Meat Woman is unable to teleport into any form of retail shops, which explains how she has to obtain her clothes from hospitals and garbage dumps.

004: And those really ugly shoes too! Oh you don’t know how much I have to put up with wearing This Fashion because I have to look as unglam around her to prove my allegiance. I secretly hate it!

H: Anyway, Mummy Ang, I don’t wish to infuriate you, but remember how you bought ten books yesterday from Borders?

Mummy Ang: Yes, why?

H points to a signboard in Borders.

Mummy Ang: OH SHUCKS. Thirty-five percent off today? You just HAD to tell me right?

004: Hahahaha. Good thing I get everything from Wikipedia!

002: So anyway, what’s been going on? I really shouldn’t be asking, but it’s SO compelling!

Mummy Ang: Well, the latest is that Horny Harris has failed in his mission to stop the Troopers from boarding the plane to Manchester.

002: Hooray, I KNEW my babies could do it!

Mummy Ang: And now the Luncheon’s really mad at him, and she had no choice but to show us the secret weapon which she has been withholding so far because things are getting really hopeless.

H: What is it?

Mummy Ang: A debeautifying advertising campaign. Aimed at other Horny Harris wannabes who are sick of their lives, and need to torment others for self-gratification.

H: I thought so. My other tip-off was that it is a shampoo called Forrow Me, isn’t it?

Mummy Ang: Why, yes. Here, she gave us a sample.

002: Other tip-off? Who is your other tip-off?

H: It’s a secret for now, till this mission is over at least.

004: Okay, moving on.  H, it seems as though Ma Ling is going to mobilise us and her other forrowers to stop the Troopers. Even if she doesn’t get them in the UK, she is going get us to fail them for history and lit, while she herself fails them for econs.

002: (aside) How I wish it were because she asked me to fail them, but truth is, they really CMI.

Mummy Ang: I just couldn’t fail them for lit, really. So Luncheon made me award The Girl much higher marks compared to the Troopers.

002: That must explain why the Duchess was pissed.

H: I know it’s a lot of hardwork on your parts, having to pretend to be evil, but for the good of the world, sacrifices must be made. Know that I appreciate all that you have done.

Mummy Ang and 004: Thank you H.

H: Is there anything else?

004: Oh yes, the Luncheon has found out about the X-Men powers.

H: I expected that sooner or later.

004: Yes, but I don’t know if she knows that it was me who told 002 about it when we first went to get Nightcrawler’s powers.

H: Hmmm… We can’t deduce much from this. Never mind about that for now. Just play your part as a follower for now, and be extra mean to students to win credit with the Luncheon. Call students pieces of shit if you have to. They actually love it, but the Luncheon Meat Woman will think you are doing your duties well.

004: Yes, H. Argh I hate her! Why can’t she be fatter than me?

002: It’s okay lah, just poison a couple more Toblerones for her if you have a chance okay?

H: Alright now, the two of you need to return to your positions. Keep me updated on anything else, but don’t get caught, you understand? Ver, May you please ask Chiabby to inform the Troopers of this advertising campaign and tell them to make sure they limit the effects of it in the UK at least. I know for one that 001.5 will be very heartbroken if Wayne Rooney decides he needs better shampoo to stop his balding. Meanwhile I’ll get my other secret agent to watch over them, to make sure no harm comes to them, though it would be a whole lot more convenient for her if this mission were in Australia. Go now, my agents, and be safe.

[Exeunt all]

[Enter The Troopers on the Plane]

001: An entire plane ALL to ourselves! Isn’t this great?

001.25: Yeah we booked business class seats but now we’ve got everything!

Superhunk: Even the whole flight’s entertainment system and food and drinks!

The Duchess: Go away all of you I need my beauty sleep.

Superhunk: My Duchess, you are beautiful enough already.

The Duchess: Pip! Eww!

Superhunk: See, I can morph into you!

The Duchess: That has got to be the surest way for you to get tanned.

Superhunk (as Duchess): Hey, don’t so mean can. I’m quite tanned already lor. I’m morphing back now.

001.25: Damn it! It’s been one entire day and my phone still hasn’t buzzed yet!

001.5: Who exactly are you expecting an sms from?

The Duchess: Who else?

001.25: Precisely! He doesn’t even care if I’m going to the UK!

001: EH! This is supposed to be a secret!

001.25: But… it’s Shannon.

001.5: Well, you won’t get any messages from him anytime soon.

001.25: Why not?

001.5: We’re on a plane, please. No reception.

001.25: OH YEAH. Hehheh. Oh now that we are on the plane, let me fulfil my lifetime’s ambition of being a flight steward, in case I don’t make it out of the misson in one piece.

001: Oh yeah me too! Come on, let’s go!

[Exeunt 001 and 001.25]

The Duchess: Oh no. I don’t even want to know what comes next.

[Enter 001 and 001.25 with a trolley of food and a wig each]

001.25: (sweetly) Hello Your Highness, would you like some apple jzewwce or orange jzewwce? Please don’t look at me like that, I’m only being the perfect Singapore girl. (flicks wig)

001: (in British accent) Ahnd would you like something to dhrink, my dear?

The Duchess: ………………………….

001.25: How about yourself, Miss Toto Chan? Apple jzewwce, orange jzewwce or some random alcoholic drink I absolutely refuse to touch?

Superhunk: I want a Vodka Orange!

001.25: Of course sir, but ladies first!

He turns and spots 001 gulping a beer.

001.25: You are a disgrace to SIA! Aren’t you supposed to be serving others first?

001: (dropping the Brit accent) But you said ladies first!

The Duchess: Toto, I’m hungry. Should I eat?

001.5: Yeah, me too.

001: (with fake French accent) Woulz you like ze, em, chicken bouillabaisse or ze, em, fish?

The Duchess: I would like the both of you to grow up and stop amusing yourselves.

[Enter Chiabby hologram, from the in-flight entertainment system]

Superhunk: Jaysus! What are ewww doing here!

Chiabby: Aiyaiyaiyaiyai! We have run into trouble!

Superhunk: What do you mean? Has something happened to Mummy Ang?

Chiabby: No!

001.5: Well, that’s a change.

Chiabby: We have just found a new part of the Luncheon Meat Woman’s diabolical plans!

The Duchess: Get ready for Alien vs Predator Part 100.

Chiabby: She has an evil advertisement, to brainwash people into becoming followers. And it’s going to be marketed as innocent looking shampoo by the name of Forrow Me so people will use it on themselves!

Superhunk: Oh no! An evil shampoo disguise?

Chiabby: H has asked me to warn you of this product that will be flooding UK’s market. Apparently, the Luncheon Meat Woman intends to explot so much there so that supply outstrips demand and there will be much surpluses for even more people to become forrowers for free!

001.5: Can you speak English?

Chiabby: Yes!!

001: Don’t worry Chiabby. Tell H we’ve got it. No task is too difficult for Chris Miao!

Chiabby: Also, H wants me to inform you that she has already arranged for our partner agency MI6 to pick you all up from the airport and transfer you to the flashiest hotel in Manchester.

Superhunk: Oh my god, awesome!

Chiabby: It is located a 10 minute walk away from Old Trafford, directly opposite Topman and Zara, has a gigantic megagym within its location and is very good for camwhoring.

The Duchess: In short, this mission will be free from all distractions.

001.25: TOPMAN and ZARA…. OH! (swoons)

Superhunk: Who exactly is going to pick us up from the airport?

Chiabby: We’re not sure at the moment, but H is trying to arrange for 007 to be your chauffeur.

001.25: Oh. My. God. Daniel. Craig! (swoons)

Chiabby: H also wants me to remind you all that this is not a holiday.

The Duchess: Of course not, what would have made us think of that?

Chiabby: Good, take care, Troopers. Stay in touch and out of trouble. If you need anything, just give me a call.

001.5: You mean like, ‘OI UNIBROW!’

Chiabby: Sighs… What did I do to deserve this?

001.5 and 001.25: (aside) PeeDoubleEww.

[Exit Chiabby]

001: Oh well, now that’s over with. (with French accent) I am tzinking you want ze fis. Oh, yes. It’s called poisson, by ze way.

[Exit all]

The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Six

The Long Awaited Act 2 Scene 1

[Enter The Supertroopers]

001: Eh cool, T3! Now where exactly do we check in?

Superhunk: I’ve no idea, but I’m going to check the board. We are on SIA right?

001.25: Of course! I booked it! And after I retire from Agent work I shall become a flight stewardess. I mean steward!

Superhunk: Let’s see, there’s no mention of our flight around here! That’s strange.

Announcer’s Voice: All flights to the UK and Arraland are now cancelled. We apologize for any inconvenience caused, but to all those who want to board those flights, well, YOU CAN’T!

The Duchess: That voice! It’s Horny Harris!

001: Whaaaaaaaat? How can this be! So immensely irritating, I am going to kill him!

The Duchess: And I haven’t already wanted to for ages.

001.5: So what do we do now?

001.25: Shop?

001: Oh FAB-U-LOUS idea! Let’s go, Superbitch!

The Duchess: Both of you, stop there!

Thunder rumbles.

001 and 001.25: EEEEEK!!!

The Duchess: We’re on a mission and we’re supposed to get to the UK to stop other Horny Harrises from becoming forrowers, and thwart whatever other plan that the Luncheon Meat Woman has in store, and you want to go shopping?!

001: Sorry, your Royal Highness!

001.25: Won’t happen again!

Pause

001.25: Maybe just a few more times in London itself, please?

Superhunk: Can we please settle down, we have a mission!

001: Oh yes. Mission. *Giggles*

The Duchess: Now we need to find a way to get to Manchester because all the flights won’t go there.

001.25: Too bad we can’t teleport like Ma Ling. I can get us all into the plane even if they try to barricade us but the pilot won’t fly us.

Superhunk: I can morph into the pilot to fool the staff, but I can’t fly the plane.

001.5: I can telekinetically lift a plane if you want me to, but I’m not sure I can move us all the whole time.

The Duchess: I can use the wind to make the plane move while Toto keeps it in mid-air, but they won’t allow take-offs in the first place so the control tower will stop everything!

All but 001: Sighs.

001: Well. I can threaten to blast a whole down Changi Airport if they don’t let us go. Oh my god, see you all can’t do without me! Hooray, I’m so brilliant!

001.5: Twiiin…. Your ego…

001: Oops I did it again! Sorry!

The Duchess: Okay good, that’s what we should do.Let’s get moving.

001.25: Your highness, 001.5, follow me and I’ll get us into the plane. Superhunk, morph into the pilot of our flight number and meet us at the plane itself. 001, knock the real pilot out along your way to the Control Tower and do your thing when you’re there. We’ll pick you up on the plane there!

001: Since when were YOU giving the orders?

001.25: Since the start of WR writing last year! Now do it!

001: HMPH.

[Exits]

001.5: Keep your eyes open for followers. We already know that there’s a horny and ambitious devil dancing in this terminal.

Superhunk: I’m on it.

[Exits]

The Duchess: Come on you two, let’s move it.

[Enter Horny Harris from behind a pillar that was struggling to hide his width]

Horny Harris: NOT SO FAST. Where do you think the three of you are going? You’re supposed to be in school aren’t you?

The Duchess: It’s our break time and it’s past one, so technically we’re allowed to. What’s your excuse? Cricket boys flying to India?

Horny Harris: Don’t think I don’t know what you’re here for! And I’ve cycled all the way here to stop you!

001.5: Where’s the rest of your followers? Not here to help you?

Horny Harris: Her Royal Luncheoness has other plans for them. But I alone intend to stop you.

001.5: Well, you certainly make a very good physical barricade of this door.

001.25: Only you don’t know one thing. Come on, girls. Hold on to me (but don’t touch my hair!) and I’ll take you through!

They walk through Harris without any problems and are outside.

001.25: OH MY GOD! I’M ON A RUNWAY!

Horny Harris: Oh no you don’t! I’m coming after you!

They are engaged in a chase.

001.25: Hurry! Run faster! I can still hear the coins jingling in his pocket!

The Duchess: You’re telling ME to run faster? For your information, I’ve been training like hell for this!

001.5: Oh for goodness sake.

She turns and telekinetically causes Harris to rise up in mid air.

001.5: Damn this is harder than with Chiabby! That stomach alone must be Chiabby’s weight already!

The Duchess: I’ll help you out.

Thunder rumbles and a flash of lightning strikes right past Harris’s stomach.

Horny Harris: ARGGHH put me down!

001.5: They never learn.

Harris falls to the ground. The Earth rumbles and shakes.

001.25: HAHA! Come on, into the plane! Yay!

[Enter Superhunk]

Superhunk (as pilot): OK, I’ve got past the airline staff and they think that I’m the pilot for this flight. Now what do we do?

001.25: You may morph back now. You look hideous as this pilot, and I will never be a steward for such an ugly piece of shit.

Superhunk: Is it better now?

001.25: You’re no Daniel Craig, but still, better than before.

The Duchess: Okay, Toto, do your thing. And someone contact 001 to see if he’s ready to be picked up.

001.5 focuses and causes the plane to rise.

001.5: Hey, compared to lifting Harris, this is easy!

The Duchess: Okay, I’m gonna cause a bit of a gust of wind to blow us to Manchester!

001.5: To Jonny!

Superhunk: You’re so unloyal to Ethan.

001.5: Oh he understands. I forgive him for being so in love with Thomas and Bob too.

001.25: 001’s not picking up! He might be in trouble!

001.5: The Control Tower’s lighting up red! Look!

Superhunk: That’s not from the Control Tower! Those are optic blasts! Duchess, blow us in that direction!

The plane flies in the direction of the control tower. There is a hole in the roof and the Troopers peer through to see 001 looking around frantically.

001.5: Twin, are you alright there?

Voice of 001: YA! Omigod! Get me out of here first then I’ll tell you!

001.5 lifts 001 out of the control tower and into the plane.

001: You raise me uuuup…..

The Duchess: Oh shut it or I’ll strike you with lightning!

001: Oh sorry. Thank goodness I’m on this plane now.

Superhunk: Well, what happened?

001: Well, I went up there to do my job, to tell them to make sure they allow our flight to leave or I’ll blast the hell out of them. But who knew, the moment I was there, I recognised the girl working at the control tower!

001.25: You mean, you know her?

Superhunk: Is she hot?

001: No lah, not anymore, but she was a Miao girl before too. Ha. So I stopped to chat and I forgot about all the threats until I saw Her highness nearly strike Harris with the lightning. So I told her I needed to go onto the plane, and charmed by me as usual, she said okay without thinking.

001.5: So how does that explain the hole in the control tower?

001: I’m coming to that. My dear Miao girl wanted to take a photo with me before I left. So we camwhored for a bit together, then I couldn’t resist taking shots of the inside of the tower since it’s the only time I’m gonna be in here –

001.5: (aside to The Duchess) Seeing as she’s in there, he’ll be back.

001: And I looked through the camera to shoot and as I did I blasted the beams out of the camera and caused a hole through the roof!

Superhunk: Omigod! Does that mean you can never be a photographer again without killing someone?

001: I DON’T KNOW! HOW??? *sniffles*

001.5: It’s alright, twin. We’ll just forgo Camwhore Thursdays.

001: And my life. *Sobs*

The Duchess: (aside) Yay, no more unglam shots!! (aloud) I’m so sorry for you Chris.

001: I know. Thanks your Highness.

001.25: I suppose we’ll figure something out in the end. Like how to control your laser beams or something. Anyway, let’s not be sad, we’ve overcome our first obstacle of the mission! We should celebrate!

They fly to Manchester.

[Exeunt all]

[Enter Luncheon Meat Woman, Horny Harris, TCB, 004, The Girl and Mummy Ang]

Luncheon Meat Woman: I cannot believe this! I told you to stop them from getting to UK, am I coright?

Horny Harris: Yes your Royal Luncheoness.

Luncheon Meat Woman: So how abbow you give me an expranation of how you ended up struck by lightning instead while they are all frying to Manchester?

The Girl: You useless lah, run so slow. I can sprint faster than you lah!

Horny Harris: Excuse me, we weren’t exactly having a chase in Bedok Reservior.

TCB: I think she’s right, I would have outrun them!

Horny Harris: You would have outwhined them maybe!

004: A-nnooy-ing! The lot of you!

Luncheon Meat Woman: Coright, Layyen, you people need to get your skews right you know! Nobody else can teach you such skews you know, it’s very important!

Horny Harris: Skills, woman, SKILLS.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Will you stop corighting me?

Horny Harris: Well, one more thing. They seem to have gotten super powers. Like, the way you can teleport!

Luncheon Meat Woman: Whaaat?! Layyen, I thought we secretly went there!

004: We did. I dunno how they managed to find out.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Never mind. I knew I couldn’t bang on all of you.

Horny Harris: Bank, woman! Bang is a totally different thing! (aside) It’s what I would do.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Shut up! Now,I’m about to unveil my new secret weapon that even H does not have! Now watch this!

She switches on a video on a screen.

Horny Harris: You mean you know how to use such technology? For a moment I thought you were going to mime in black and white.

Luncheon Meat Woman: ONE MORE TIME AND YOU WILL BE DISMISSED!

Horny Harris: And I’d love to see you communicate with the people of Arraland yourself, Dino.

Luncheon Meat Woman: I’ll have Mummy Ang do that.

Horny Harris: Well, admittedly, she’s a whole lot more articulate than you.

The video plays on screen. It starts with happy, breezy advertisement music, till a model in SGH ward pyjamas appears on screen.

Horny Harris: Jaysus, woman, what on Earth are you doing? Are you actually flaunting your hair?

The voice of the Luncheon Meat Woman blares on the screen.

Voice of LMW: People of Arraland, Daremak, Fingland, Scoreland, Whales, UK and Timbuktu! Are you feeling tired of your life and your nonsense jobs? Well, come and let me share my passion for Economics with you, with the new line of debeautifying products of mine: Forrow Me! It helps turn from tormented to tormentor, so you can be happy tormenting others instead! All you have to do is pick up a free sample of this shampoo from Horny Harris at 69, Sex Drive, Malfi, along with a recruitment form, and enjoy the effects of being evil as you rub it into your head! (The side effects you see on myself and all other models are neglegible.) Go on, you know you want it! We will be exploting to your countries for you to Forrow ME!

The video ends.

Luncheon Meat Woman: And that was my advertising campaign. It is good, and clear cut, right?

Horny Harris: I am stark blind.

004: So that explains why you couldn’t recruit Big Bad John.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Yes, cos it’s shampoo. Anyway, with this out in the market, I don’t see how we will not dominate VJC with Forrowers. Right now, I want you all to use some of this shampoo on yourselves. Maybe it’ll make you more competant.

004: (aside to Mummy Ang) You’re not actually going to use this are you?

Mummy Ang: (aside to 004) H told us to play along so just take it, and say you’ll take your shower later.

Horny Harris: Well I’ll be off now. Better go use this on whatever’s left of MY hair.

TCB: You don’t have to worry. You’re too much of a follower, you’d eat this thing even if you go bald.

Luncheon Meat Woman: Alright alright, away with all of you. Because you all screwed up, I’m going to have to do some major detective work now myself, to undo all the damage you useless things have done with this mission!

[Exeunt all]

Phew. Glad that’s over and done with. Stay tuned for Act 2, Scene 2!

The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Five

Act One Scene Four

by Yanghan and Edna

[Enter the Supertroopers outside the HOD Room]

The Superhunk: I can’t believe that I got into trouble with Terror Tan for not wearing a belt.

The Duchess: But I’ve told you so many times before that you will someday get into serious trouble for not abiding by the school’s dress code.

001.5: You know, from my experience with TCB, I wouldn’t be surprised if she made you run into Terror Tan on purpose while chasing after her.

001: 001.25, have you booked the air tickets?

001.25: Of course. SIA Business Class to Manchester, and it leaves in five  hours time.

001: Good job, 001.25. And what about you, my lovely twin?

001.5: Ah? You mean our stuff? They should already be on their way to Manchester right now.

The Superhunk: Did you pack my dumbbells in as well? I have to remain as buff even when I’m on a mission, you know.

001: There are always the English gyms that you can go to when you are on the mission. Now, let us go and see H for further vital information.

[Enter H]

001: Hello, my dear!  We are now ready to receive instructions regarding the coordination of the team for our latest mission.

H: Fantastic. Firstly, you all be going to UK under the disguise of a school trip. As such, it would be necessary for all of you to don blazers while leaving Singapore.

001.25: What! But the school blazers are simply hideous. How can we go on board the plane in such ill-fitting maroon shit? Our reputation is at stake!

H: You have no other choice. Either you do this, or you can forget about going with the team to UK.

The Duchess: Now now now, chill my subjects.

001: H, are we going to get any extra gadgets for this mission? I believe that we would be fighting against a LMW that has the ability to teleport at will.

The Superhunk: And what are our specific roles going to be?

H: I have received updates that LMW has deployed Horny Harris back to the UK to rally the support of those that have defected over to the Luncheon Camp. Troopers, I will require you to stop him at all costs.

The Duchess: That sounds just like the job for me. It’s going to be payback time, Horny Harris.

001.25: What are you going to do, your Royal Highness? Burn down his warehouses of horny Literature texts?

The Duchess: We’ll see. Muahaha.

H: Also, as Chris might have told you earlier, I need to know more about the dealings and activities of the Luncheon Meat Woman and her followers in Europe. You will receive more instructions on that upon touchdown in Manchester.

001.5: Oh yes! Manchester, here I come. I’ll hunt down my Jonny Evans at all costs as well.

H: Time is tight, and we have to press on. I have something to show you, Troopers. Hopefully, this will greatly aid you in your mission. Chiabby!

[Enter Chiabby, with his hands full]

Chiabby: Yes!!!

The Superhunk: Oh dear, why are you here? Are you one of us?

001.5: Ya, didn’t I make you just a cameo in our chronicles?

Chiabby: Yes!!! Troopers, I’m the modern-age Alpha and I’m here to give you your crystals.

The Duchess: Crystals?

001.5: Alpha?

Chiabby: Yes!!!

Tosses crystals to the team. 001’s crystal falls to the ground as he stretches out to catch it.

001: Arrgh! Sorry I missed!

[Enter Mr McKee]

Mr McKee: Oi, can catch properly or not?

H: Just who exactly told you you were allowed in here? Get out!

Mr McKee: Hurhur.

[Exits]

001: Good riddance! Snorts. Hmm, my crystal is all red and the insides seem to be moving about.

He holds the crystal and looks intensely at it. The crystal swoops into his eyes all of a sudden.

001: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! What’s happening to me??

The Superhunk: He’s SPASMING!

001.25 and 001.5: A-Q-U-I-Aqui-Aquila! A-Q-U-I-Aqui-Aquila!

The Duchess: Shut up the both of you.

H: Chris, how do you feel?

001: Funkehfresh! Look at this!

He squints at Chiabby.

Chiabby: OI don’t zap me!

All (except Chiabby, 001 and H): Ooooooh.

001.25: What’s mine, what’s mine? Should I hold it close to my eyes as well?

Holds silver crystal to eyes and waits.

oo1.25: Nothing’s happening! Why like that?

The Duchess: Maybe the crystal decided that being the Superbitch is enough of a super power for you?

001.25: What? That is so unfair!

He bangs the fist he holds his crystal in on the table. It sinks right through the wood.

001: OMIGOD! Eww did you just like squish your hand in? Yuck!

001.25: I dunno. Look, I can take it out too!

The Superhunk: Do you think you could walk through walls?

The Duchess: I hope not, or he’ll be sinking into the table when he falls asleep during the Luncheon Meat Woman’s lesson in the future!

001.25: Let me try.

He runs straight into Chiabby.

Chiabby: I am not your lab specimen!

He runs straight through him.

001.5: Whoa. Now no one can ever mess up your hair!

001.25: Not only that! I get to go shopping without anyone obstructing me! Yipee!

The Duchess: Yeah, but you’ll swipe thin air when trying to hug Shannon. Sniggers.

001: Snorts. What the the rest of you get?

The Superhunk: Wait wait wait wait, my turn first! Do you think I’ll get the power of supercharm? Like, so I can make TCB fall for me?

001.5: God save him please.

The Superhunk holds up blue jewel in his palm.

The Superhunk: Oh look, it’s morphing! What is this?

001: That’s a miniature figure. It looks like…

The Superhunk: ME! Oh my gosh! It’s morphing again! It’s turned into TCB!

He hugs the figurine.

001.5: Eww. Please don’t do that in front of — OMG. Pip, what have you done?

001: He’s transformed into TCB!

The Superhunk (as TCB): It’s just me, people, ME! But, I just morphed!

The Duchess: Even your voice sounds like her!

The Superhunk (as TCB): Now I can carry out my double agent duties even more convincingly!

001.25: Okay, try shape shifting into the Luncheon Meat Woman.

The Superhunk: Eeee don’t want! She’s so ugly! Why would I even want to be her?

001.5: Well, you’ve got to make sacrifices for the team some day, you know that.

The Superhunk: That’s just going to ruin all my gym work.

H: Okay, enough self-admiration now. 001.5, look at yours.

001.5 looks at pink jewel.

001.25: It just HAD to be pink, right, Toto?

001.5: But of course.

The jewel dissolves as 001.5 puts it close to her eyes.

001: OMG it’s almost like what happened to me! We ARE twins!

001.25: So what’s your power?

Chiabby: OI! Why am I floating?!

001.25: Oh. Now I see!

001.5: This is fun! Should I let him down?

Chiabby: Yes!!!

001.5: Okay.

Chiabby drops to the ground with a crash.

Chiabby: Ai-yai-yai-yai-yai!

001.5: Telekinesis. I like!

001: You’ll definitely be in the tennis team like that la. Anyhow smack also will go in right?

The Superhunk (to the Duchess): Eh, it’s your turn.

The Duchess: It’s ‘Your Royal Highness’ to you! Or I’m going to get so pissed.

Thunder rumbles outside.

001: Eek. Wasn’t it just scorching a few moments ago?

001.5: Hey, where’s your purple jewel?

The Duchess: It’s YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS!

It starts to thunderstorm.

001.25: Oh I know! She’s got the power to control the weather! When she’s pissed, it rains! It’s just like Storm of X-Men!

H: I was just waiting for you all to come to that.

001: What do you mean, my dear?

H: These crystals were formed a long time ago, when the legendary X-Men of the past lost their powers in a battle. 002 and I found them in Arraland, just before the Luncheon Meat Woman got to them. As you can see, she managed to nick Nightcrawler’s powers, along with some others. But the important ones, we found.

001: Mummy Ver knows about this?

H: Of course. It was she who suggested I pass these to you.

The Superhunk: So this makes us the S-Men!

001.5: Technically, S-Women.

00.125: Oh so I get it. Chris, you possess Cyclops’s optic beams; Toto, you’ve got Jean Grey’s powers; Pip, you’ll be shape-shifting like Mystique, her Royal Highness is Storm, and I must be Shadowcat!

001: But I’M Miao!

001.25: Too bad. Hahaha you and 001.5 were married in your past lives!

001: HEY! Excuse me lor! That makes you and Luncheon Meat Woman…

001.25: Oi! Stop it okay!

The Duchess: Yeah, you’ll make Shannon jealous.

H: Okay Troopers, so here it is. Now that you’ve received your new superpowers, I have a few reminders for you.

001: ‘With great power comes great responsibility’…

H: Please let me speak, Chris.

001: Orh, sorry! Heh.

H: But yes, he is right.There are a few rules.  You are to use your powers only for defence. You must never start a fight with the followers if it can be avoided. You must use your powers for good only.

001.5: This is a dream come true. It’s like Power Rangers and X-Men put together. And I’m still gonna see Jonny Evans!

H: Okay Troopers, it’s about time you get moving! Take a bus outside. You must keep a low profile at all times, do you understand?

Chiabby: YES!!

H: I said Troopers.

Chiabby: Oh. =(

[Exit all]

Stay tuned for Act Two in the Chronicles of Chris Miao Part Six!

The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Four

Act One Scene Three (The serious stuff begins!)

[Enter The Supertroopers on the Treehouse]

001: Oh, what a immensely scorching day! Please say the wind blows in my hair now, I need to have my little Pantene moment!

001.25: Eh, stop being such a neh neh lah. What exactly did H say to you?

001: There’s no one else around right?

001.5: I’m still keeping a lookout for TCB anyway. She might be lurking.

001: Good, good. Anyway, H was telling me about what she has gathered about The Luncheon Meat Woman and her Followers. Apparently, she has received confidential tip-offs  that Ma Ling has been teleporting from Arraland, UK, Fingland and Daremak, recruiting more Horny Harrises for followers!

The Duchess: But why does she even need to go so far? There are plenty of twats around here who would join up the moment she shoves a stack of econs notes in front of them and asks them to choose between becoming a follower and reading it.

001: I know, I know, don’t think I didn’t think of that hor! I asked H the exact same thing.

The Superhunk: And?

001: She needs us to find that one out. And we must thwart them too! If she brings them to Veejay, A13 will soon be overrun by followers!

The Duchess: So what does she want us to do? Skip school and fly to Ireland?

001: (lowering voice) No.

The Duchess: Then?

001: The UK.

001.25: Oh my god! UK!! Hahaha all you other stupid people! We get to go for our UK trip, fully sponsored!

The Duchess: Are you kidding me? I have training like, almost everyday.

001: It doesn’t matter! H is arranging for 002 to cover for our absence, just like she did when our preoccupation with our last mission made us forget to bring out thermometers to school.

001.5: What else did H say?

001: ‘Where shall we go for lunch?’

001.5: I meant things regarding our mission.

001: Oh. Snorts. We will be linking up with British agency MI6. They seem to have a fairly similar secret agency system to ours. I bet they copied us lah.

The Superhunk: MI6? Isn’t that like, the agency of James Bond?

001.25: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! DANIEL CRAIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

001: Why yes, 001.25, calm down!

The Duchess: Shannon will be so jealous la. Speaking of Shannon, when we go on the mission, aren’t you going to miss him?

001.25: Oh maybe I will on the plane ride. But once I get there, I doubt I will.

The Duchess: Why not?

001.25: GOOOOOOOCHEEEEEEEE!

The Duchess: I should have known.

001: H will see me for another time tomorrow to pass me our gadgets, as well as unlimited spending money on the Platinium H card, charged to Veejay.

The Superhunk: So that’s why we keep having to donate!

The Duchess: So that’s why the school still looks like a run down old place even with our donations!

001.5: So that’s how 002 managed to get such a big car.

001: Snorts. Everyone, please make sure 001.25 doesn’t enter any branded stores on the trip. Veejay will have to mortgage the Science Labs or something.

001.25: Good what. Shannon will have no Spa on Thursday, and we can go shopping!

001.5: So when will we be leaving for the UK?

001: Soon, soon. As soon as H gives me all that we need, we can hop on the first flight to Manchester.

001.5: MANCHESTER????

[Enter TCB, secretly and unspotted]

001: I knew something like that would be coming from you. Snorts. Please, what does M-A-N-C-H-E-S-T-E-R spell?

001.5: Evans.

001: I send you back to Primary School then you know ah! Cannot even — Hold it! Isn’t that TCB right below us?

001.25: 001.5, Oh my god! Weren’t you supposed to be keeping watch! Now she knows what we’re up to!

The Superhunk: Hi teacher!

[Exit TCB hurriedly]

001: This is absolutely detrimental! The Followers are going to send people after us! What shall we do?

The Duchess: I’m going to pee.

[Exit The Duchess to the royal throne]

001: ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

The Superhunk: I’ll go slow TCB down. You guys go contact H first.

[Exit The Superhunk after TCB]

001: 001.5, go get our stuff packed! 001.25, book our flight! And don’t be so anal about which airline name sounds the nicest, I really don’t care! I’m going to find H. I’m going to shoot every follower that comes in my way!

[Exit all]

[Enter TCB, Horny Harris and The Luncheon Meat Woman]

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Why do you look like you’re ready to kohlasp, TCB?

TCB: I only just got away from The Superhunk. All that third period PE is making him run faster, and he nearly caught me. Thankfully, I managed to sidetrack him by running him into Terror Tan of the PE Dept, and he got caught for not wearing his belt.

Horny Harris: So what exactly was so important that you had to call for an emergancy meeting? I was having a nice morning coffee with Mommy Ang, discussing the next best way to infuriate the Duchess.

TCB: The Duchess is going to infuriate you! 001 and the team have found out about our recruitment of followers in Europe.

Horny Harris: Surely not!

The Luncheon Meat Woman: How can they? I knew something like this was abbow to happen when 001 deliberately talked about Arraland.

Horny Harris: For god’s sake, woman, for the last time, it’s Ireland! Say it with me! I-re-land!

The Luncheon Meat Woman: I don’t care abbow how it’s being pronounced! Can I say something without you two interrupting?

Horny Harris: (aside) You can’t.

The Luncheon Meat Woman: That H must have found out my whereabouts! I wonder where she gets her tip-offs from. The people of my department have been brainwashed not to reveal anything.

TCB: Maybe it wasn’t someone in your department.

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Oh, then one of you maybe?

[Enter The Girl]

The Girl: Eh, sorry, I’m late ah. What’s up?

TCB: (aside) Maybe it’s her. She’s in A13 after all.

The Luncheon Meat Woman: What is this, Girl? Your attitude has completely deproved!

The Girl: My Cher just told me there’s no such word leh.

Horny Harris: As have I a million times, woman.

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Harris, keep quiet! You! The Girl! Just look at yourself, didn’t I ask you to attempt to bring 001 and his team down? I don’t see any attempts from you at all.

The Girl: I did ask Cher to scold them what, but he never!

The Luncheon Meat Woman: And that was the best you could come up with? No wonder no one friend you.

[The Girl cracks knuckles]

The Luncheon Meat Woman: You don’t scare me! Your muscles have shtrunck! Get your ugly face out of my sight and go and work out!

[Exit The Girl]

Horny Harris: I don’t know who’s calling who ugly, really, but it seems to me I’m the hottest of you lot here.

TCB: Shut up lah.

Horny Harris: Now, frankly speaking, you look like a fish cake that got slammed into a –

The Luncheon Meat Woman: ENOUGH! You morons can drive me crazy. I already have to face madness with A13 every week, so spare me your arguments!

[Horny Harris winks]

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Harris! You go fly back to UK now and rally the support of the locals there so they may decide to turn against 001 when they get there. Do Arraland, Scoreland and Whales as well if you have to.

Horny Harris: Yes your Royal Luncheoness.

[Exit Horny Harris]

The Luncheon Meat Woman: TCB, get Layyen, The Girl and the other followers to the airport now. We’re going to need to stop the Supertroopers before they even get there. Make sure they cancel all flights but Harris’s. Mess this one up and I will personally make sure you come for third period econs!

[Exit TCB]

The Luncheon Meat Woman: OH can’t anybody do anything right?

[Exit]

The Chronicles of Chris Miao: Part Three

Act One Scene Two

[Enter The Luncheon Meat Woman]

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Oh Fie! They are all late for my class again! What is this absolute atrocity? Here I am, having flown all the way back from Arraland, where I had my last secret brainwashing session — oh that must remain a secret, for H must not know of my movements to recruit more Horny Harrises — and yet, they still have not returned from their break! I will punish them! Punish the whole of A13, and make them do extra essays till they start to follow me! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA — Oh here they come! Put on the sweetest face as possible, I shall, even though it has been said that I completely fail.

[Enter A13]

The Luncheon Meat Woman (aside): Oh how I can’t wait to get them over to my side, and we will destroy H and 001! (aloud) Okay, class, you are already 3 seconds late for class, it’s unacceptable! In my years of teaching, I’ve never met a class as irresponsible as you all! Take out your notes, all of you! Why are you still waiting for me to tell you to do such things? (aside) And I shall take out mine, and put them on a bag that I fancy.

The Duchess: (aside) My bag??!!

001.25: (aside to 001.5) The royal bag! Oh my, look at the Duchess’s face!

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Now class, where did I stop the last time?

001: Arraland lor!

The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) He CANNOT know my secret. (aloud) Okay then, class, flip to the page that says, uh, uh, uh, Arraland.

[Class flips relunctantly. The Duchess glares.]

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Can anyone tell me something they understand abbow this article?

001.5: It’s very long.

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Ha, yes. (aside) I must pretend I am humoured and laugh, or they will suspect me of my dealings in Arraland. (aloud) Anything else besides that wonderful observation?

001: The labour force residing in Ireland is currently on steady decline.

The Luncheon Meat Woman: What? (flips through article) It doesn’t say so in here? What have you been reading?

001: (aside) Your ugly face, duh! You think H hasn’t already found out about your recruitment of more Horny Harrises har? I heard there’s another by the name of Cook lurking. (aloud) Don’t have meh? Oh, oops! Sorry, reading wrongly hahahaha.

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Okay so class, tell me abbow the economics concepts of this article.

A13: ………………………..

The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) They won’t speak to me. But they’ve got to! I need to know if I’ve sufficiently brainwashed them! (aloud) Class, how about any relevant points and examples to Economic Growth?

A13: …………………………………………………………..

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Class, have you even done your work?

Chiabby: YES!

The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) Oh good, one person who’s successfully brainwashed! But then again, my fellow followers report that he reacts this way to every lesson. (aloud) Okay, class, so , has that row over there done your work?

Cameo Backrow: ………………………………………………..

001: Mrs Ma Ling, I need to go to the toilet!

The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) Go then, I hope you get flushed down the toilet bowl! (aloud) Go then, I hope you get some enlightment for my class when you come back!

001: Snorts.

[Exit 001]

001.5: (aside to 001.25) H summons 001!

001.25: (aside) Really? She must be onto something. Meanwhile, I shall take vital notes for him just in case he needs it.

001.5: (aside) Econs notes? Well I didn’t know you bothered.

001.25: (aside) No, fashion notes, they tell you a lot about a person’s recent activities! ‘SGH uniform… signs of theft from hospital…ugly uniform signals preying on the mentally and physically suspectable… OMG spell wrongly! susceptible…. that’s better…’

The Superhunk: Eh, what time does this lesson end ah? I’m so sick of this!

001.5: (aside to The Superhunk) Ssh. Don’t think about that. Try feeding her econs answers to keep her happy, maybe she might accidentally divulge something. You’re the only one who actually did everything anyway.

The Duchess: (aside) I need this off my bag!

The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) This class is terrible.

[Bell rings]

Chiabby: YES!

The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) NO! Another period gone, another one less hour for the brainwashing! (aloud) Class, when can we have a make-up lesson?

A13: Whaaaaat?

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Yenree!

The Sailormoon: Huh?

The Luncheon Meat Woman: Arrange a make up lesson for me. Preferably all the days when the class has very little breaks, or days when you have 4 straight periods of econs as it is, just so I can pile on more misery on you all!

The Sailormoon: Huh? Okay.

[Exit The Luncheon Meat Woman]

The Sailormoon: Hey, A13. I think she means Friday leh.

The Duchess: Whatever Yenree, I’m so sick of school already.

[Exit all except Troopers]

The Duchess: Did you know why 001 walked out of class and never came back?

001.25: He was trying to do a Renee?

The Duchess: You want me to demote you, don’t you! To 000.000000000000000000125, maybe?

001.25: Sorry your Royal Highness, it won’t happen again!

001.5: H summoned him. I’m sure he’ll tell us all about it later.

The Superhunk: Oh look, here he comes!

[Enter 001, sashaying]

The Duchess: What did H want?

001: We have an important mission on our hands, Troopers.

The Superhunk: Huh, what? Is it going to be fun?

001: FUN??!! It’s The Luncheon Meat Woman and Her Followers again!

001.5: What has she done now?

001: H has found out some of their secret dealings, and she needs us to stop them! As usual, of course, hem hem, I, Chris Miao, am the leader.

001.25: What about the Duchess? Why doesn’t she lead?

001: Her Royal Highness is to go undercover this time too. Inside sources have indicated involvement of Horny Harris. We’ll need The Duchess as the royal undercover spy to deal with him.

001.25: To translate, you just wanna be the sole leader lah.

001.5: What exactly did H say?

001: Methinks this is not a very safe place to speak of it. Come on, Troopers!. Go treehouse then talk!

[Exit all]

Stay tuned for The Chronicles of Chris Miao Part Four, where the Troopers discover what has been conveyed to 001 by H.