Act One Scene Two
[Enter The Luncheon Meat Woman]
The Luncheon Meat Woman: Oh Fie! They are all late for my class again! What is this absolute atrocity? Here I am, having flown all the way back from Arraland, where I had my last secret brainwashing session — oh that must remain a secret, for H must not know of my movements to recruit more Horny Harrises — and yet, they still have not returned from their break! I will punish them! Punish the whole of A13, and make them do extra essays till they start to follow me! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA — Oh here they come! Put on the sweetest face as possible, I shall, even though it has been said that I completely fail.
[Enter A13]
The Luncheon Meat Woman (aside): Oh how I can’t wait to get them over to my side, and we will destroy H and 001! (aloud) Okay, class, you are already 3 seconds late for class, it’s unacceptable! In my years of teaching, I’ve never met a class as irresponsible as you all! Take out your notes, all of you! Why are you still waiting for me to tell you to do such things? (aside) And I shall take out mine, and put them on a bag that I fancy.
The Duchess: (aside) My bag??!!
001.25: (aside to 001.5) The royal bag! Oh my, look at the Duchess’s face!
The Luncheon Meat Woman: Now class, where did I stop the last time?
001: Arraland lor!
The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) He CANNOT know my secret. (aloud) Okay then, class, flip to the page that says, uh, uh, uh, Arraland.
[Class flips relunctantly. The Duchess glares.]
The Luncheon Meat Woman: Can anyone tell me something they understand abbow this article?
001.5: It’s very long.
The Luncheon Meat Woman: Ha, yes. (aside) I must pretend I am humoured and laugh, or they will suspect me of my dealings in Arraland. (aloud) Anything else besides that wonderful observation?
001: The labour force residing in Ireland is currently on steady decline.
The Luncheon Meat Woman: What? (flips through article) It doesn’t say so in here? What have you been reading?
001: (aside) Your ugly face, duh! You think H hasn’t already found out about your recruitment of more Horny Harrises har? I heard there’s another by the name of Cook lurking. (aloud) Don’t have meh? Oh, oops! Sorry, reading wrongly hahahaha.
The Luncheon Meat Woman: Okay so class, tell me abbow the economics concepts of this article.
A13: ………………………..
The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) They won’t speak to me. But they’ve got to! I need to know if I’ve sufficiently brainwashed them! (aloud) Class, how about any relevant points and examples to Economic Growth?
A13: …………………………………………………………..
The Luncheon Meat Woman: Class, have you even done your work?
Chiabby: YES!
The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) Oh good, one person who’s successfully brainwashed! But then again, my fellow followers report that he reacts this way to every lesson. (aloud) Okay, class, so , has that row over there done your work?
Cameo Backrow: ………………………………………………..
001: Mrs Ma Ling, I need to go to the toilet!
The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) Go then, I hope you get flushed down the toilet bowl! (aloud) Go then, I hope you get some enlightment for my class when you come back!
001: Snorts.
[Exit 001]
001.5: (aside to 001.25) H summons 001!
001.25: (aside) Really? She must be onto something. Meanwhile, I shall take vital notes for him just in case he needs it.
001.5: (aside) Econs notes? Well I didn’t know you bothered.
001.25: (aside) No, fashion notes, they tell you a lot about a person’s recent activities! ‘SGH uniform… signs of theft from hospital…ugly uniform signals preying on the mentally and physically suspectable… OMG spell wrongly! susceptible…. that’s better…’
The Superhunk: Eh, what time does this lesson end ah? I’m so sick of this!
001.5: (aside to The Superhunk) Ssh. Don’t think about that. Try feeding her econs answers to keep her happy, maybe she might accidentally divulge something. You’re the only one who actually did everything anyway.
The Duchess: (aside) I need this off my bag!
The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) This class is terrible.
[Bell rings]
Chiabby: YES!
The Luncheon Meat Woman: (aside) NO! Another period gone, another one less hour for the brainwashing! (aloud) Class, when can we have a make-up lesson?
A13: Whaaaaat?
The Luncheon Meat Woman: Yenree!
The Sailormoon: Huh?
The Luncheon Meat Woman: Arrange a make up lesson for me. Preferably all the days when the class has very little breaks, or days when you have 4 straight periods of econs as it is, just so I can pile on more misery on you all!
The Sailormoon: Huh? Okay.
[Exit The Luncheon Meat Woman]
The Sailormoon: Hey, A13. I think she means Friday leh.
The Duchess: Whatever Yenree, I’m so sick of school already.
[Exit all except Troopers]
The Duchess: Did you know why 001 walked out of class and never came back?
001.25: He was trying to do a Renee?
The Duchess: You want me to demote you, don’t you! To 000.000000000000000000125, maybe?
001.25: Sorry your Royal Highness, it won’t happen again!
001.5: H summoned him. I’m sure he’ll tell us all about it later.
The Superhunk: Oh look, here he comes!
[Enter 001, sashaying]
The Duchess: What did H want?
001: We have an important mission on our hands, Troopers.
The Superhunk: Huh, what? Is it going to be fun?
001: FUN??!! It’s The Luncheon Meat Woman and Her Followers again!
001.5: What has she done now?
001: H has found out some of their secret dealings, and she needs us to stop them! As usual, of course, hem hem, I, Chris Miao, am the leader.
001.25: What about the Duchess? Why doesn’t she lead?
001: Her Royal Highness is to go undercover this time too. Inside sources have indicated involvement of Horny Harris. We’ll need The Duchess as the royal undercover spy to deal with him.
001.25: To translate, you just wanna be the sole leader lah.
001.5: What exactly did H say?
001: Methinks this is not a very safe place to speak of it. Come on, Troopers!. Go treehouse then talk!
[Exit all]
Stay tuned for The Chronicles of Chris Miao Part Four, where the Troopers discover what has been conveyed to 001 by H.
omg, demote you to 000.000000000000000000125, that was so funny!