The Long Awaited Act 2 Scene 1
[Enter The Supertroopers]
001: Eh cool, T3! Now where exactly do we check in?
Superhunk: I’ve no idea, but I’m going to check the board. We are on SIA right?
001.25: Of course! I booked it! And after I retire from Agent work I shall become a flight stewardess. I mean steward!
Superhunk: Let’s see, there’s no mention of our flight around here! That’s strange.
Announcer’s Voice: All flights to the UK and Arraland are now cancelled. We apologize for any inconvenience caused, but to all those who want to board those flights, well, YOU CAN’T!
The Duchess: That voice! It’s Horny Harris!
001: Whaaaaaaaat? How can this be! So immensely irritating, I am going to kill him!
The Duchess: And I haven’t already wanted to for ages.
001.5: So what do we do now?
001.25: Shop?
001: Oh FAB-U-LOUS idea! Let’s go, Superbitch!
The Duchess: Both of you, stop there!
Thunder rumbles.
001 and 001.25: EEEEEK!!!
The Duchess: We’re on a mission and we’re supposed to get to the UK to stop other Horny Harrises from becoming forrowers, and thwart whatever other plan that the Luncheon Meat Woman has in store, and you want to go shopping?!
001: Sorry, your Royal Highness!
001.25: Won’t happen again!
Pause
001.25: Maybe just a few more times in London itself, please?
Superhunk: Can we please settle down, we have a mission!
001: Oh yes. Mission. *Giggles*
The Duchess: Now we need to find a way to get to Manchester because all the flights won’t go there.
001.25: Too bad we can’t teleport like Ma Ling. I can get us all into the plane even if they try to barricade us but the pilot won’t fly us.
Superhunk: I can morph into the pilot to fool the staff, but I can’t fly the plane.
001.5: I can telekinetically lift a plane if you want me to, but I’m not sure I can move us all the whole time.
The Duchess: I can use the wind to make the plane move while Toto keeps it in mid-air, but they won’t allow take-offs in the first place so the control tower will stop everything!
All but 001: Sighs.
001: Well. I can threaten to blast a whole down Changi Airport if they don’t let us go. Oh my god, see you all can’t do without me! Hooray, I’m so brilliant!
001.5: Twiiin…. Your ego…
001: Oops I did it again! Sorry!
The Duchess: Okay good, that’s what we should do.Let’s get moving.
001.25: Your highness, 001.5, follow me and I’ll get us into the plane. Superhunk, morph into the pilot of our flight number and meet us at the plane itself. 001, knock the real pilot out along your way to the Control Tower and do your thing when you’re there. We’ll pick you up on the plane there!
001: Since when were YOU giving the orders?
001.25: Since the start of WR writing last year! Now do it!
001: HMPH.
[Exits]
001.5: Keep your eyes open for followers. We already know that there’s a horny and ambitious devil dancing in this terminal.
Superhunk: I’m on it.
[Exits]
The Duchess: Come on you two, let’s move it.
[Enter Horny Harris from behind a pillar that was struggling to hide his width]
Horny Harris: NOT SO FAST. Where do you think the three of you are going? You’re supposed to be in school aren’t you?
The Duchess: It’s our break time and it’s past one, so technically we’re allowed to. What’s your excuse? Cricket boys flying to India?
Horny Harris: Don’t think I don’t know what you’re here for! And I’ve cycled all the way here to stop you!
001.5: Where’s the rest of your followers? Not here to help you?
Horny Harris: Her Royal Luncheoness has other plans for them. But I alone intend to stop you.
001.5: Well, you certainly make a very good physical barricade of this door.
001.25: Only you don’t know one thing. Come on, girls. Hold on to me (but don’t touch my hair!) and I’ll take you through!
They walk through Harris without any problems and are outside.
001.25: OH MY GOD! I’M ON A RUNWAY!
Horny Harris: Oh no you don’t! I’m coming after you!
They are engaged in a chase.
001.25: Hurry! Run faster! I can still hear the coins jingling in his pocket!
The Duchess: You’re telling ME to run faster? For your information, I’ve been training like hell for this!
001.5: Oh for goodness sake.
She turns and telekinetically causes Harris to rise up in mid air.
001.5: Damn this is harder than with Chiabby! That stomach alone must be Chiabby’s weight already!
The Duchess: I’ll help you out.
Thunder rumbles and a flash of lightning strikes right past Harris’s stomach.
Horny Harris: ARGGHH put me down!
001.5: They never learn.
Harris falls to the ground. The Earth rumbles and shakes.
001.25: HAHA! Come on, into the plane! Yay!
[Enter Superhunk]
Superhunk (as pilot): OK, I’ve got past the airline staff and they think that I’m the pilot for this flight. Now what do we do?
001.25: You may morph back now. You look hideous as this pilot, and I will never be a steward for such an ugly piece of shit.
Superhunk: Is it better now?
001.25: You’re no Daniel Craig, but still, better than before.
The Duchess: Okay, Toto, do your thing. And someone contact 001 to see if he’s ready to be picked up.
001.5 focuses and causes the plane to rise.
001.5: Hey, compared to lifting Harris, this is easy!
The Duchess: Okay, I’m gonna cause a bit of a gust of wind to blow us to Manchester!
001.5: To Jonny!
Superhunk: You’re so unloyal to Ethan.
001.5: Oh he understands. I forgive him for being so in love with Thomas and Bob too.
001.25: 001′s not picking up! He might be in trouble!
001.5: The Control Tower’s lighting up red! Look!
Superhunk: That’s not from the Control Tower! Those are optic blasts! Duchess, blow us in that direction!
The plane flies in the direction of the control tower. There is a hole in the roof and the Troopers peer through to see 001 looking around frantically.
001.5: Twin, are you alright there?
Voice of 001: YA! Omigod! Get me out of here first then I’ll tell you!
001.5 lifts 001 out of the control tower and into the plane.
001: You raise me uuuup…..
The Duchess: Oh shut it or I’ll strike you with lightning!
001: Oh sorry. Thank goodness I’m on this plane now.
Superhunk: Well, what happened?
001: Well, I went up there to do my job, to tell them to make sure they allow our flight to leave or I’ll blast the hell out of them. But who knew, the moment I was there, I recognised the girl working at the control tower!
001.25: You mean, you know her?
Superhunk: Is she hot?
001: No lah, not anymore, but she was a Miao girl before too. Ha. So I stopped to chat and I forgot about all the threats until I saw Her highness nearly strike Harris with the lightning. So I told her I needed to go onto the plane, and charmed by me as usual, she said okay without thinking.
001.5: So how does that explain the hole in the control tower?
001: I’m coming to that. My dear Miao girl wanted to take a photo with me before I left. So we camwhored for a bit together, then I couldn’t resist taking shots of the inside of the tower since it’s the only time I’m gonna be in here –
001.5: (aside to The Duchess) Seeing as she’s in there, he’ll be back.
001: And I looked through the camera to shoot and as I did I blasted the beams out of the camera and caused a hole through the roof!
Superhunk: Omigod! Does that mean you can never be a photographer again without killing someone?
001: I DON’T KNOW! HOW??? *sniffles*
001.5: It’s alright, twin. We’ll just forgo Camwhore Thursdays.
001: And my life. *Sobs*
The Duchess: (aside) Yay, no more unglam shots!! (aloud) I’m so sorry for you Chris.
001: I know. Thanks your Highness.
001.25: I suppose we’ll figure something out in the end. Like how to control your laser beams or something. Anyway, let’s not be sad, we’ve overcome our first obstacle of the mission! We should celebrate!
They fly to Manchester.
[Exeunt all]
[Enter Luncheon Meat Woman, Horny Harris, TCB, 004, The Girl and Mummy Ang]
Luncheon Meat Woman: I cannot believe this! I told you to stop them from getting to UK, am I coright?
Horny Harris: Yes your Royal Luncheoness.
Luncheon Meat Woman: So how abbow you give me an expranation of how you ended up struck by lightning instead while they are all frying to Manchester?
The Girl: You useless lah, run so slow. I can sprint faster than you lah!
Horny Harris: Excuse me, we weren’t exactly having a chase in Bedok Reservior.
TCB: I think she’s right, I would have outrun them!
Horny Harris: You would have outwhined them maybe!
004: A-nnooy-ing! The lot of you!
Luncheon Meat Woman: Coright, Layyen, you people need to get your skews right you know! Nobody else can teach you such skews you know, it’s very important!
Horny Harris: Skills, woman, SKILLS.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Will you stop corighting me?
Horny Harris: Well, one more thing. They seem to have gotten super powers. Like, the way you can teleport!
Luncheon Meat Woman: Whaaat?! Layyen, I thought we secretly went there!
004: We did. I dunno how they managed to find out.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Never mind. I knew I couldn’t bang on all of you.
Horny Harris: Bank, woman! Bang is a totally different thing! (aside) It’s what I would do.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Shut up! Now,I’m about to unveil my new secret weapon that even H does not have! Now watch this!
She switches on a video on a screen.
Horny Harris: You mean you know how to use such technology? For a moment I thought you were going to mime in black and white.
Luncheon Meat Woman: ONE MORE TIME AND YOU WILL BE DISMISSED!
Horny Harris: And I’d love to see you communicate with the people of Arraland yourself, Dino.
Luncheon Meat Woman: I’ll have Mummy Ang do that.
Horny Harris: Well, admittedly, she’s a whole lot more articulate than you.
The video plays on screen. It starts with happy, breezy advertisement music, till a model in SGH ward pyjamas appears on screen.
Horny Harris: Jaysus, woman, what on Earth are you doing? Are you actually flaunting your hair?
The voice of the Luncheon Meat Woman blares on the screen.
Voice of LMW: People of Arraland, Daremak, Fingland, Scoreland, Whales, UK and Timbuktu! Are you feeling tired of your life and your nonsense jobs? Well, come and let me share my passion for Economics with you, with the new line of debeautifying products of mine: Forrow Me! It helps turn from tormented to tormentor, so you can be happy tormenting others instead! All you have to do is pick up a free sample of this shampoo from Horny Harris at 69, Sex Drive, Malfi, along with a recruitment form, and enjoy the effects of being evil as you rub it into your head! (The side effects you see on myself and all other models are neglegible.) Go on, you know you want it! We will be exploting to your countries for you to Forrow ME!
The video ends.
Luncheon Meat Woman: And that was my advertising campaign. It is good, and clear cut, right?
Horny Harris: I am stark blind.
004: So that explains why you couldn’t recruit Big Bad John.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Yes, cos it’s shampoo. Anyway, with this out in the market, I don’t see how we will not dominate VJC with Forrowers. Right now, I want you all to use some of this shampoo on yourselves. Maybe it’ll make you more competant.
004: (aside to Mummy Ang) You’re not actually going to use this are you?
Mummy Ang: (aside to 004) H told us to play along so just take it, and say you’ll take your shower later.
Horny Harris: Well I’ll be off now. Better go use this on whatever’s left of MY hair.
TCB: You don’t have to worry. You’re too much of a follower, you’d eat this thing even if you go bald.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Alright alright, away with all of you. Because you all screwed up, I’m going to have to do some major detective work now myself, to undo all the damage you useless things have done with this mission!
[Exeunt all]
Phew. Glad that’s over and done with. Stay tuned for Act 2, Scene 2!
omg fucking hilarious can?! LOL.