Act 2 Scene 3
[Enter Horny Harris]
Horny Harris: Why, there’s no one around now. Good. I do need a short break from that Luncheon Meat Woman. I mean, honestly, who knew I would be so unfortunate as to become HER follower? Or forrower, as she says, my God. Did that woman never have English lessons as a kid? In fact, where on Earth does she come from anyway? There is no human being that really looks like that anymore. The only reason why I had to work with her was to get back at the Duchess for walking out of my class, but if that woman thinks she can order me around like she does now, I’ll soon be emulating her highness and leave to refill my water bottle. Oh save me, the freak arrives with her lackey.
[Enter Luncheon Meat Woman and The Girl]
Luncheon Meat Woman: Harris! There you are! I have been working on a perfect scheme to deal with H and the Supertroopers with The Girl, you get what I mean?
Horny Harris: Enlighten me, your Luncheoness.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Well, if you think abbow it, the seetooehshen is like this. After much detective work that my subject teaches me, The Troopers will plobably already know that we are going to Arraland and the UK for a reason.
Horny Harris: You spent the last one hour coming to that conclusion? But of course they know, woman! Students don’t go jetting off to the UK in the middle of the school term for a holiday!
Luncheon Meat Woman: Stop being so rude! GIRL!
The Girl: (cracks knuckles, neck and every other part of her body) Harris ah, one more time and I will smash my kayak paddle on you!
Horny Harris: Like that scares me, it’ll probably bounce off my stomach if you try. (laughs)
Luncheon Meat Woman: Enough! Here, I did tiao you just now that I have the perfect scheme, am I righ?
Horny Harris: …………………
Luncheon Meat Woman: Am I righ, Harris? Hallo, am I tawking to you?
Horny Harris: Get ON with it woman, I can bloody hear you!
Luncheon Meat Woman: Well, now that we have our very clear cut advertisement, I want you to reelis it immedially to the pubric in Europe.
Horny Harris: I can’t just go there and force people to advertise it, you need loads of cash to do that, in case you haven’t noticed.
Luncheon Meat Woman: That is for the layman. As Economics students, you should be —
Horny Harris: I am NOT your bloody economics student, woman!
Luncheon Meat Woman: Yes, fine, but as I am the economics genius, my brilliant plan is to take advantage of price discrimination and print 妈你 to get the advertisements up at a price as low as possible.
Horny Harris: (aside) Based on what kind of price discrimination actually? The uglier the cheaper? (aloud) As an ‘economics genius’, you also ought to know that printing of money is not going to work you know.
Luncheon Meat Woman: If an economics genius says it works, it works.
Horny Harris: You make no sense! Will you stop contradicting yourself?
Luncheon Meat Woman: Wait, wait, stop interrupting me, and let me summarize everything before I come back to this!
Horny Harris: (aside) Did you cause the Great Depression? You certainly look old enough to have lived through that.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Anyway, I am going to give you lots of 妈你 to spend on the advertisements. But ferse, get yourself a warret.
Horny Harris: A what?
Luncheon Meat Woman: Warret! You cannot be putting stacks of printed 妈你 into your pocket like you have been doing, am I righ?
Horny Harris: Oh. Wallet! I see. But who needs one? I’ve got a million plastic bags for that!
Luncheon Meat Woman: (angrily) What if the 妈你 falls out?!
Horny Harris: Well then print some more, Econs genius!
Luncheon Meat Woman: That is irregal! If I ever catsh you doing that I will fire you!
Horny Harris: (aside) I hope the Duchess dumps the contents of her water bottle all over you.
Luncheon Meat Woman: So, before you interrupt my clear cut plan another time, you are to use the 妈你 and bring it to the advertising companies, and they will pubrish the advertisement as soon as possible. Then, while the people in Europe get infruenced, they will become forrowers there and then.
Horny Harris: (exasperatedly) And so? I’m still waiting for the clear-cut, brilliant punchline.
Luncheon Meat Woman: It’s all because of you that we are moving so slowly through this!
Horny Harris: (very exasperatedly) Wha–? Okay, never mind, what? What’s the punchline?
Luncheon Meat Woman: We can keep the newly recruited forrowers in Arraland there, while the rest fry back to VJC to torment the rest of the students.
Horny Harris: (very very exasperatedly) And why would we want to keep them there?
Luncheon Meat Woman: Think abbow it. How else could you rephrase the question?
Horny Harris: (very very very exasperatedly) Why the hell do I want to rephrase the question?
Luncheon Meat Woman: Keeping the Arrish forrowers there means we have people there to get rid of the Troopers while they try to solve this case!
Horny Harris: And you couldn’t have got to that straightaway? You spent 876 words, according to wordpress, to tell me this?
Luncheon Meat Woman: That is because you are not clear abbow this from the start! Do you know what is going on? Why do you sound as if this is forren to you?
Horny Harris: (aside) Because the language you are speaking is.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Girl, can you wake up? Do you need to wash your face?
Horny Harris: Yeah, Bedok Reservoir’s just there, go jump in for a swim.
The Girl: Eh, shuddup can or not, huh?
Horny Harris: Okay, so the bottomline of this oh-so brilliant plan is just to get the Irish people who have become followers to get rid of the Troopers there?
Luncheon Meat Woman: Yes, and it took you so long to get here! You see, crass –
Horny Harris: It’s ‘class’ and I’m NOT part of yours!
Luncheon Meat Woman: I don’t care! You see, when they get rid of the Supertroopers there on my orders, nobody will know we are behind it! And even H cannot accuse me of it! It will look like an assident.
Horny Harris: Do you want me to coright you for that?
Luncheon Meat Woman: Then we can get rid of them once and for orh! *smiles evilly*
The Girl: Ya. Brilliant plan!
Luncheon Meat Woman: Girl, I want you to handle the seetooehshen here.
The Girl: What you want me to do?
Luncheon Meat Woman: You and TCB are to monitor the whereabbows and actions of Mummy Ang and Layyen. I don’t trust them.
Horny Harris: I assure you, they’re as much on your side as I am.
The Girl: No problem ah. I can handle anything.
Horny Harris: Except a fashion sense.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Harris, I want you to forrow me. You will be my personal assistant.
Horny Harris: You mean like your Antonio? (aside) Why me????
Luncheon Meat Woman: Can you speak Engrish, Harris, I don’t understand what you are talking abbow!
Horny Harris: Can I go spy on Mummy Ang and Layyen instead?
Luncheon Meat Woman: Do I make myself clear, Harris, you will forrow me at all times and do what I tiao you to do, do you get me?
Horny Harris: Yes your Luncheoness.
Luncheon Meat Woman: Now go get moving. I will print you the 妈你 now. And then you will reelis the advertisements in the UK and Arraland and order the forrowers there to do their job, is that okay, crass?
Horny Harris: Of course.
Luncheon Meat Woman: And Girl, go do your job.
Horny Harris: But make sure you tell TCB and get her along too. There might just be half a brain between the two of you.
[Exeunt all]
